The Many OOC Faces of a Certain Jack Sparrow
by Spoofmaster
Summary: It's back! Ever get tired of seeing authors write Jack two dimensionally because they can't grasp more than one facet of his character? Then this story is for you! Watch Jack go wildly out of character for your amusement! Chapter 24: Infatuated!Jack
1. Thieving! Jack

Ah...it's back. How long ago was it that this was deleted? Well, for those of you who are returning, it's going to be pretty slow for a while, as I'll just be spending some time putting the old chapters back up. I have most of the old reviews saved in a Word document, so I'll be tracking down old reviewers and sending out an e-mail to the ones who left addresses.

Why was this fic deleted? I'm honestly not sure. It may have been because of a few script-format disclaimers, or because of my review responses. Because of this, there will be no review responses, at least not until I'm sure they won't get this deleted again.

Why did it take so long to put it back up? Just after it was deleted, the computer it was saved on got a nasty virus and died a horrible painful death. I managed to save my files onto a floppy disk, but only very recently did I transfer it to my new computer.

The chapters may come back up out of order, but that's a small price to pay, right? I'll do my best to preserve the original order and author's notes, except where it would violate rules to do so.

So without further ado, the original first chapter, in all its glory:

Well, this is just going to be a series of short stories about different OOC versions of Jack Sparrow. Mostly I've just taken things I've seen done in fanfics and made them more interesting.

0000000000000

0000000000000

Thieving! Jack

0000000000000

"Hey, Jack, I'm glad you could visit," said Will, leaning against the anvil in his blacksmith shop.

"Glad to be back, Will," said Jack, pocketing an unfinished axe head he had found. Will noticed, but he didn't say anything.

"What have you been up to?" asked Will.

"Oh, you know," said Jack, sidling over in front of a tool rack laden with hammers and such. "Pillaging, plundering, rifling and looting. That sort of thing."

"Ah," said Will, watching Jack move toward the furnace. The tool rack was noticeably lighter than it had been before.

"What about you, eunuch?" asked Jack, slipping some hot coals into his boot. The last word came out as a pained squeak when the coals burned him, and Will really felt sort of sorry for him.

"Just blacksmithing," said Will, wishing that Jack would stop jacking his stuff. "Say, would you care to take a walk around town with me?"

"Oh yes!" said Jack, eager for the opportunity to steal more interesting things than Will's junk. Will gave a sigh of relief that Jack would soon be out of his shop, and they headed out the door.

Once outside, Jack proceeded to "steal" a rotten apple off the ground and put it in his coat. Will rolled his eyes and headed down to the market. He needed some food.

Jack was quite intrigued by the market, and immediately found a man selling jewelry and draped it on himself when he thought no one was looking. He went around some more after that, stealing thimbles, pennies, candle wax, and the occasional bit of string. The people selling their wares began to glare at Jack, and then at Will when it became apparent that the two men were "shopping" together. Will hastily pulled Jack out of there, saying that he had just remembered that he didn't really need any food after all. Jack was disappointed, but he obediently stopped stealing long enough to leave.

"This really is a very quiet place," said Jack, pick pocketing a small child and receiving only a wad of used chewing gum for his troubles. He stuck it in the brim of his hat.

"Well, not too many pirates really come here," said Will, trying to rememberif Jack had been such a kleptomaniac the last time they had spoken. "You just caught us at a bad moment last time."

"Too bloody bad for you, then," said Jack, stealing a brick from a house that was under construction and shoving it up the sleeve of his coat. "Life's no fun without a bit of lawbreaking."

"Oh, some of us like living a life that won't end in a noose," said Will.

"Now you're just trying to provoke me," said Jack, stopping and facing Will, his hands on his hips. "What have I ever done that's that wrong?"

Will also stopped, and observed as Jack snagged a handkerchief off a passing man. The man most certainly noticed, and was quite offended, but neither he nor Will made a comment.

Jack searched Will's face, and found no real malice in the blacksmith's expression. Shrugging, he began to walk again. Will, left behind a moment since he had not been expecting it, trotted a moment to catch up.

"And how's Elizabeth?" asked Jack, seeming to forget about any conflict existing.

"She's been fine, Jack," Will replied, wondering what Jack would steal next. "Why?"

"Oh, nothing," said Jack, looking for something he could pilfer, and getting an idea. "Say, do you think we could drop in on her?"

"Actually, Jack..." started Will, but Jack turned an imploring look on him, and he could not go on. He winced, knowing he would regret what he was about to say, but said it anyway. "Yes."

"All right then!" grinned Jack, grabbing a pamphlet from a passing Mormon and stuffing it up under his hat. "Let's go!"

Will shuddered at the thought of what he had just allowed himself to do, and accompanied Jack up the hill to the front door of the governor's mansion, and watched him knock.

"Yes?" asked the butler rather nasally once he had opened the door.

"Hey, it's good to see you, man!" cried Jack enthusiastically, hugging the butler. He managed to remove the man's pocket watch before he let go, and seemed very pleased with himself.

The butler, on the other hand, fainted. He was already a paranoid schizophrenic, and being hugged by a creepy man with breath that smelled like the bad end of a donkey was just too much for him.

"That's interesting," said Jack, looking down at what he had done. "Oh well."

Will wished fervently that he could just disappear. Or that Jack could. Preferably Jack.

Both of them stepped over the unconscious butler and headed off in a random direction of Jack's choosing. It little surprised Will that Jack soon found his way to the kitchen, and began sneaking bits of food into his coat pockets. The cooks were really very nice about it, and even gave Jack more food because they felt so sorry for what they took to be a hungry retard. Jack, in turn, ignored what they had put down on the counter for him until they had turned their backs, and then whisked it away as if it had been there by chance and he was a clever burglar.

This so amused one of the younger cooks that she set down a large cheesecake for him, and pretended to turn her back, while really watching him out of the corner of her eye to see what he would do with it.

Jack was stumped for a moment by the awkward size and consistency of this new possible booty, but resolved to steal it no matter what the cost. Therefore, he braved strange sensations, warm cheesecake, and a messy pocket by simply tipping it up on end and slipping it into his inner coat pocket. He smiled and rocked back on his heels, very pleased with himself. The cooks, who had all been watching, tittered gleefully.

Will watched the entire series of events with the air of someone who knew that somewhere along the line, something bad would happen and he would be blamed for it. He repeatedly glanced out at the unconscious butler in the hall.

Jack, realizing that nothing he could steal from the kitchen now would ever top the cheesecake, swaggered back out into the main hall. There, he stole part of a broken candleholder he found in the umbrella stand, a ceramic poodle he found on a table, and the butler's right sock. Will looked on, chagrined, and was torn between the hope that Elizabeth might come and the hope that she might not.

"Will!" cried Elizabeth from the top of the stairs. "Oh, and Jack!"

Jack looked up, and grinned at Will's fiancé. She responded with a delicate smile, and came down the stairs.

"How do you do, Elizabeth?" greeted Jack. as he shook her hand and stole her bracelet. "I hope you've been well."

"Why...yes," said Elizabeth, perplexed by his behavior. She looked to Will for help.

"You know what, Jack?" asked Will.

"What?" asked Jack, taking a loose nail out of the doorframe and twisting it into one of his braids.

"I think you should get back to the Pearl," said Will. "You never know when Norrington might come across you, or the Navy spot your ship."

"You know, you're right," said Jack reluctantly. "I really ought to go. But won't you two walk with me? It's been such a long time since we really talked."

Will and Elizabeth walked Jack down to the dock, and watched him row out of the harbor in a boat that was definitely not his, towing a boat that was his, a child's raft, and a bucket behind it using some rope that someone had been silly enough to tie between the dock and a boat. The couple heaved a sigh of relief as he went out of sight.

0000000000000

Anamaria grumbled to herself as she watched Jack ransack his own ship. He'd been acting very strange lately. They'd just managed to move everything back out of his cabin and into its proper place while he had been on shore, and here he was stockpiling it again.

"Jack," sighed Anamaria. "Are you done _yet_?"

Jack looked around wildly for a moment, then ran over and hugged the ship's railing.

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!" cried Jack, "And I claim this here ship! Make ready to sail!"

"Sure, Jack," said Anamaria. "Just give us back the sails so we can!"

0000000000000

0000000000000


	2. Scheming! Jack and Jack the Manly Man

Disclaimer: Poo.................dles

0000000000000000

0000000000000000

Scheming! Jack

0000000000000000

"Ship!" yelled Gibbs, pointing at what was, indeed, a ship on the horizon. "Looks like a merchant. They should be easy to take."

"All right," said Jack, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "What we do now, is we hang all our pots and pans and general cooking utensils over the sides of the Pearl so that we move slowly and look harmless. We shadow the ship for exactly five days, during which time we fly a new flag every day to confuse them: first the British flag, then the Spanish flag, and so on in a logical fashion. When we are good and ready, we will attack at night, bringing our ship up alongside theirs. While we get positioned, half the crew will, in the guise of fine ladies out for an evening boat trip in the middle of the Atlantic, slip up alongside the merchants in the dark, and take them by surprise. We loot and break their ship, leaving them equipped only to limp into port in exactly two weeks. How's that sound?"

"Needlessly complicated and difficult," replied Anamaria. "Can't we just board, loot, and abandon their ship like we usually do?"

"Oh, fine then," sighed Jack, disappointed. "But after we take their ship, we don't let them go. We recruit them into our crew, and have a second ship under me, Commodore Jack Sparrow. Then we team up with numerous other pirate crews and start a trading scam to cause civil unrest, charging far too much for common household goods, and blocking out the other traders to the colonies. They will get so frustrated with what they think is bad British trade that they will revolt and start a new, weak country, which will be easy to raid!"

"Yeah, after a lot of back breaking work and frustration," countered Gibbs.

"Okay, then we can go back to England, where I will bribe and threaten my way into Parliament under the alias of Sir Edmund Sausage, and work my way into the queen's good favor. Then, one night, when she least expects it, I will poison her and take her place. With my beautiful silky locks, no one will ever know the difference!"

"Not even the king?" asked Gibbs skeptically.

"Hmmm," thought Jack. "Gibbs, I will poison him too, and you can be king! Our children will inherit the throne!"

"We can't have children, Jack," objected Gibbs. "We're both men."

"Oh," Jack pondered this new dilemma for a moment. "Well, then, Anamaria can be king, and we'll have royal children together. As queen it is my divine duty to make an heir."

"So the king will be pregnant?!" asked Anamaria. "Won't people notice?"

"Of course not," grinned Jack. "You'll go on a holiday to some remote location and I'll stuff pillows up my dress so that when the baby arrives everyone will think I did it."

"Why can't I just be queen and you be king?" demanded Anamaria.

"Are you kidding?" asked Jack. "No one would ever mistake you for a queen!"

"But they would mistake you?" she grumbled. "Do you even plan to shave?"

"...yes," lied Jack.

"How about we just loot the ship and go get drunk?" suggested Gibbs.

"Okay," said Jack.

0000000000000000

Yes, I know that was very short, but that's all there is. So, to appease your mighty demandingness, I shall give you a short story.

0000000000000000

Once upon a time, there was a man named Jack. Jack was a man, a very manly man who liked to eat Manwiches and do manly things. So, it was a very nasty shock to him when one day, he discovered that he liked to wear dresses. He liked to wear dresses so much that he would hide out in his room and try them on all day.

He bought some nice petticoats and flowery hats to go with the dresses he had found in the attic, and strolled about in front of his mirror, feeling a bit less manly, but very happy with his clothing. He blew himself kisses, and, one day, he forgot he was wearing his nice yellow dress and went to the store still wearing it.

Jack the manly man was so manly that he had grown a beard, so it was obvious to all that he was not a woman, and that it must be indecent for him to wear a dress, for after all, transvestites are supposed to be gross. Few wanted to admit that they found him to be manly and attractive in his nice yellow dress, because it made them feel uneasy about modern manliness. So they called the police.

The police came and took Jack the manly man away for wearing the wrong clothes, and he was sad. His cell did not suit him, even though it was somewhat manly, since it was more smelly and full of little bugs than anything else.

The court could not find a reason to lock Jack the manly man away for too long, so they decided to send him to a support group, thinking it might make him stop wearing dresses, even that nice yellow dress that had gotten him into trouble. Jack was sad, but he agreed to go, so they could not lock him up in the smelly cell again.

At the support group, Jack the manly man met Juan, who had gotten caught wearing a dress, and had been sent away to an insane asylum even though he only did it as a clever disguise. Jack liked Juan. Juan was manly like Jack. He also met Ed, who was an artist, and who liked angora. Ed was nice too, but not quite as manly. Jack also met Bon Bon, but he did not really like Bon Bon, as Bon Bon was not manly enough.

And so, Jack the manly man made new friends who were also manly, and who also liked to wear dresses. And they all took turns hosting dress-up meetings at their houses, and lived happily ever after.

The End.


	3. Malapropism! Jack

Okay, well, I discovered the real reason this story was deleted. Not only was there originally script in some of the author's notes, but the You-! Jack chapter was probably considered to be "interactive" by the moderators. Solution? You-! Jack will not be coming back up on this website. It is the only chapter I will leave out, and later on I will give you links to other places you can read it.

Since the issue has been discovered, I am resuming the writing of review responses. Looks for them at the ends of chapters. Also, I will have to check through my other fics to insure that there are no violations of the rules in them, because I'd really hate to have them taken down.

Malapropism! Jack

Jack spotted a ship in the distance using his rack, and decided to pursue and misappropriate it. He then proceeded to shout out orders to his crew.

"Hoist the deck and batten down the starboard!" cried Jack. The crew looked confused for a moment, but obeyed, first ripping up large pieces of the ship's deck and pulling them into the air with ropes, and then securing all the possible openings on the starboard side of the Pearl. Jack looked on, not entirely sure that this was what he had wanted them to do.

"Er," said Jack, wondering how to make them make the ship go. "Swab the mainsail?"

After lowering the ship's primary sail, the crew got out swabs and buckets and began swabbing it. The end result was a very wet and somewhat soiled mainsail.

Since the mainsail had covered the holes they had made in the deck, several crewmembers had fallen down through them while swabbing. This caused it to dip down in those places and make little pirate catch pockets. Luckily for them, Jack had decided that it was a good idea to buy new sails, what with how the old ones had had more holes in them than a hobo's socks.

"Erm, hoist the mainsail?" tried Jack. To his relief, this command made them put the mainsail back where it belonged, although it was now somewhat soggy and did not provide as much propulsion as it would have otherwise. The crew looked at him expectantly, hoping for the command to give chase to the ship that was rapidly diminishing into the distance.

"Secure the galley and survey the aft!" barked Jack, getting confident in his order-giving abilities once more. This confidence proved unfounded, as his crew proceeded to put away all the equipment in the ship's kitchen and then dangle over the rear of the ship on ropes to make sure nothing was wrong with it.

"Gangway!" cried Jack, flailing his arms in the hopes of making them do something that made sense. The crew, who had finished their poorly assigned duties, backed away from him, making pathways to anywhere the captain might wish to go. However, seeing as he didn't take the opportunity to go anywhere, they just kind of stared at him.

"Uh, sir," piped up one of the pirates. "Maybe we should go rob that ship."

"Yes!" yelled Jack, glad of the suggestion. "Let's do that!"

The pirates scampered about, making the ship move rapidly after the merchants. They caught up about an hour later.

Jack, dreading the moment when he had to give an order, still did his best to make them board the other ship. Seeing how he believed they would have to get closer before they could board, he tried to get them to maneuver in closer.

"Accelerate and approach her aft!" he commanded. The Pearl began moving even faster, and approached the rear of the other ship at an alarming rate. The crew looked at him expectantly, awaiting the order to turn to either starboard or port and come up alongside the merchants. Jack, not realizing he was doing anything wrong, just stood there.

A few seconds later, the Pearl's bow collided with the merchant ship's aft with a hideous crunching sound. Because a ship's aft is its weakest part, and a ship's bow is its strongest point, and the merchant ship, although bigger than the Pearl, was weaker, the Black Pearl buried itself up to its poopdeck inside the merchant ship, its mast crunching over. Serious damage was also done to the merchant ship's superstructure, and it began to break up.

"What the hell are you doing?!" cried the captain of the merchant ship, waving his fist at the pirates from the aft of his own poopdeck.

"Oh, crap," commented Jack.

Because the hull of the merchant ship had been destroyed so thoroughly, and because the Black Pearl was stuck inside it, both ships sank.

THE END

**Glossary of terms:**

Rack: Bed

Misappropriate: Steal or fail to return someone else's property

Hoist: Raise

Deck: Any floor on the ship

Batten down: Close any openings and otherwise prepare for inclement weather

Starboard: Right side

Port: Left side

Swab: Refers both to a mop and to the act of mopping

Mainsail: The main sail, moron

Secure: Put things in their places

Galley: Kitchen on a ship

Survey: Check for damage

Aft: Back end

Gangway: A slang term meaning "Get the hell out of my way"

Bow: Front end

Poopdeck: The aft elevated deck of a ship


	4. Alcoholic! Jack

Okily dokily, back again! Here is the infamous surly chapter!

I think you should all be grateful to me as of right now, since it messed up all my formatting when I updated and changed all my apostrophes and quotes in jumbles of letter, and I have had to go through, redoing the quotes and getting rid of all the apostrophes because it is now allergic to them or something. It is also deleting every scene divider I am trying. Bastards. I am sending a letter of complaint!

From here on in, it is original text in the chapter (including author notes) until you reach review responses which are, of course, new.

I forgot to say last chapter that I owe a big thanks to my brother, MysticButtCrystal, for helping me out a lot with the terms, and coming up with most of the events in the last chapter.

Alcoholic! Jack

Jack was feeling surly. This was probably because he was drunk. Very, very drunk. He was so drunk that he made the elves of Mirkwood look like clean, sober people. He was so drunk that the reek of rum poured off of him like sweat off a pig. Wait, pigs don't sweat. Damn.

Anyway, Jack was drunk beyond the reaches of any person who held themselves even the tiniest bit responsible for their actions. He blinked sluggishly and peered around at the room he was in.

Apparently he was in a tavern. Well, that made sense, since he was a pirate who liked to go get drunk, and a tavern was a good place to do that. It seemed to him that he must have been sitting in this tavern for quite some time, but he couldn't put his finger on exactly where he was or when he had gotten there. The room reeled unpleasantly around him, and he gulped to keep his dinner down.

Jack decided that for once, he had had quite enough to drink, and that he ought to go lie down somewhere for a while. He pushed himself up from the rickety little stool he was sitting on, and strode easily out of the tavern.

For once in his life, Jack looked like a normal person. The swaying induced by his sinfully deep drunken stupor perfectly counteracted the swaying induced by the fact that he had spent years living at sea, building up a good solid lack of an ability to stand still on land.

Unfortunately, this sort of equilibrium, while perfecting his movements, did not reach to Jack's mind. He was, unsurprisingly, feeling very tipsy and unstable, as well as without any sort of good judgment. So, when Gibbs came up and asked him if he'd like a drink, Jack entirely forgot that he had already had very numerous drinks, and accepted the offer.

Gibbs soon came to regret his offer. He stared moodily over the rim of his mug at his captain, who was teetering on the brink of losing his equilibrium.

"You'ff alwaysh been a good fren ta me, Gibbsh," slurred Jack, lifting his drink in a sloppy toast to his old friend. "Ow come you avent gotcher own ship by now? Seemsh ta me," Jack paused thoughtfully, staring off at the ceiling for a moment before gulping a bit more rum, "Seemsh ta me thatchoo would've gone and gotten yer own crew by now."

Jack sloshed his drink around, spilling it on himself and Gibbs. He frowned at it, and signaled one of the serving wenches to bring him more. Gibbs frowned, and shook his head at the wench to tell her that no, Jack did not need more booze just now.

"Captain," started Gibbs, standing up. "Don't you think it's time to be getting back to the Pearl?"

"Oh, the Pearl," sighed Jack dreamily. "The mosht beautiful ship there ever wash. We should bring some drinksh back wif us."

"I don't think that'll be necessary, Jack," contradicted Gibbs. "We've got more rum on board."

"You know what'sh wrong wif this world?" warbled Jack, standing up and leaning on Gibbs. "There'sh too many damn hatsh."

Jack broke down and cried on Gibbs's shoulder. Gibbs patted him on the back in a consoling, if awkward, way, and wondered why the hell he had ever offered him a drink.

"Are you all right, captain?" asked Anamaria as Jack stumbled out of his cabin the next morning.

"Don't talk so loud," moaned Jack, pressing the heel of his hand to his forehead. "And turn off that bloody great light."

"The sun?" asked Anamaria.

"Yea," replied Jack. His head throbbed, every bit of light and noise a blade stabbing into his brain. "Where's the damn rum?"

"We don't have any rum," replied Gibbs. "I was lying to you, Jack."

"What?!" bellowed Jack. He winced at the sound of his own voice, and massaged his temples.

"Jack, you need to stop drinking so much," said Anamaria.

"I'm going to go get some rum," growled Jack. Seeing that they were still anchored in Tortuga's port, he set about lowering one of the boats to row in to shore. He glared at Anamaria and Gibbs, who stood looking worriedly at him as he finished the task and rowed off.

Once he had landed, Jack made his way back to the tavern, where he got good and drunk again. Indeed, his depression over his crew stabbing him in the back by trying to lower his alcohol intake cause him to drink even more than he had the night before. Being somewhat immune to the effects of drink, Jack stayed conscious, and drank extremely alarming amounts of rum.

By the time Anamaria and Gibbs found their captain once more, he was dead from alcohol poisoning. The paramedics, when they arrived, said that his blood alcohol level was somewhere around .6.

A moment of silence for Alcoholic! Jack, if you will, dear readers. And remember, kiddies, don't do what Captain Jack does!

I am sorry to do this again, but review responses are coming back down. My letter of complaint prompted an e-mail back warning me that continuing to include them would get this story deleted again. So, we end on an angry note. I will try doing responses by e-mail. 


	5. Tortured! Jack

Tortured! Jack

Jack was absolutely miserable. Five days before, he had been captured by a rival pirate captain andhe lay now in the brig of said pirate's ship, trying not to move, since moving hurt. His hands were tied behind his back and to a noose around his neck, so that struggling would choke him, and he had to hold his arms up at an awkward angle. Cuts and bruises throbbed all up and down his arms, and his nose had been broken. He moaned when he heard the tramp of boots coming down the stairs.

"Lovely day, isn't it, Jack?" greeted his tormentor, Captain Edwards. Two members of his crew stood behind him, holding chains.

"It is, isn't it?" replied Jack, his broken nose making his voice very nasal sounding. "But why are you even doing this?"

"Don't you remember, Jack?" wondered Edwards. "You caused me no end of trouble years ago, and I swore to have my revenge on you. You simply must recall that. We had a revenge-swearing party and everything!"

"_You_ had a revenge-swearing party," retorted Jack. "I didn't show up. Besides, what did I even do? Surely it was not enough to deserve this!"

"If you can't have the decency to remember, you obviously haven't been tortured enough," replied Edwards primly. His minions lifted Jack to his feet none too gently, and dragged him up onto the deck of the ship. Jack's breath hissed in through his clenched teeth as his wounds reopened, and he coughed and sputtered when the pain caused him to forget and drop his arms.

For the next half hour, Jack was beaten in excruciating detail. He was put through enough pain to make most people collapse into unconsciousness, but he was Jack Sparrow, and therefore had to be awake and be angsty as he was being hurt. Towards the end, rope was tied around his feet, and he was dangled off the back of the ship in front of a passing shark. Whenever the shark would come near, they would yank him up, taunting it. Jack felt quite queasy.

Finally, he was dragged back to his cell and dumped unceremoniously on the floor. There he lay for an entire day, too miserable and sore to even move.

Edwards came down the next afternoon, and kicked him a few times in the gut. Jack made a feeble protest, but Edwards was not to be stopped.

"Do you know what you did to me yet?" growled Edwards, looming over Jack as Jack coughed and sputtered. "Or am I going to have to tell you?"

"I really don't know," gasped Jack.

"Really?" Edwards looked surprised. "Well, if you must know, you stole my mayonnaise five years ago."

Jack looked incredulously at the other pirate captain.

"Mayonnaise?!" cried Jack, not entirely believing his ears.

"Yes, mayonnaise!" snapped Edwards. "I had gone through hell to get that mayonnaise. It was the finest mayonnaise in all the world, and I was going to use it in a super sandwich! But then," Edwards stopped and seethed a moment before going on, "But then you took it! You bastard!"

"Uhmm...I'm sorry?" tried Jack.

"That wouldn't have bothered me," continued Edwards, pacing. "But then you didn't show up to my revenge-swearing party! That's what really made me want to get revenge."

"So," Jack tried to understand this, "you swore revenge on me because I wasn't there to see you swear revenge on me?"

"Yep," replied Edwards. "Apologize, damnit!"

"I'm sorry," said Jack.

"Oh, all right then," smiled Edwards, satisfied. "You can go."

"Go where?" wailed Jack. "We're in the middle of the ocean!"

"Not my problem," stated Edwards most decidedly, and he signaled to his ever-present minions. "Take Jack up top and release him."

They hauled Jack up onto the deck once more, untied his wrists for the first time in ages, and shoved him over the side.

Jack, much to his surprise, was fortunate enough to land on an island. Not only that, but it was actually a good island, with a forest and goats and everything. Naturally, he wanted to leave as soon as he could, but all things considered, this had worked out fairly well.

That is, until the evil spirit came.

It haunted him for weeks, showing him the faces of all of his dead comrades, shouting in his ear whenever he was trying to hunt goats, and generally doing really obnoxious mischief. Though Jack's physical health improved a great deal while he was on the island, his mental state slowly deteriorated, until he was a gibbering wreck who threw himself on the mercy of the crew of the first ship to come along without even looking to see who they were.

It seemed to Jack, as he was led up the gangplank and onto the ship, that fortune had finally smiled on him.

Jack sat back in his cell in the brig of the new ship, wondering why the hell bad things were always happening to him.

Within two minutes of him coming onboard, Jack had been recognized by the captain and sent to the brig for questioning and various pointless acts of torture. Apparently the captain was an agent of the East India Trading Company, a man by the name of John Johnson.

Johnson (or "John John" as he was fondly referred to by his crew) had a deep and personal grudge against Jack. This did not surprise Jack very much, as it seemed that every third person he ran into had a deep and personal grudge against him for reasons he could not fathom. This one, however, he at least somewhat remembered.

Johnson had been working in India years ago when Jack was first captured by the company. He had been put in charge of what they had deemed to be only an insane pirate. It was supposed to be an easy job for Johnson, who had not been working for the company for very long. When Jack escaped, it had cast doubt on the talents of young Johnson, and he had had to work twice as hard as his colleagues to get where he was.

Jack was reminded of all this over a cup of tea. Actually, only Johnson got tea. Jack just had to watch him drink it. This did not have quite the effect Johnson had hoped for, since Jack really didn't like tea all that much, but he drank it anyway in the hopes that Jack would see the error of his ways and suddenly become a tea fanatic.

"Well, at least I gave you a good work ethic," suggested Jack as soon as Johnson was done drawing out his tale of minor woe.

"You'll pay," hissed Johnson, and he stomped off.

The ship Jack was on was apparently headed to Port Royal for supplies...or something. Jack wondered if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but reflected that it didn't really matter anyway, since no matter where he was, he would be forever doomed to being taken captive by passersby and beaten to within an inch of his life for some past misdeed. Indeed, this new outlook on life provided Jack with the means to cope with the weeks of torture he suffered through under the supervision of Johnson. After all, he reasoned, if his entire life was going to be like this, why not start enjoying it? He secretly became a masochist in order to better live with what was happening, and was quite cheerful when they arrived at Port Royal.

Unfortunately for Jack, Johnson promptly gave him over to the British Navy, who were a lot nicer to their captives. Jack was quietly locked up so that there wouldn't be a fuss over it, and allowed to return to health without being beaten in the interim. This semi-kind treatment filled Jack with hope again, and he stopped being a masochist, which really was too bad for him, since as soon as he was healthy, they started torturing him again and it was unpleasant once more.

One day, when Norrington and his goons came in to punch him some more, Jack tried to get some answers.

"Why are you doing this?" asked Jack. "I thought the Navy just hung pirates. This whole torture thing is a bit odd, don't you think?"

"Well, yes," admitted Norrington. "But I've been written as a pompous jerk who likes nothing more than to torture you. So, torture you I shall."

And so, Jack was tortured some more. This went on for a very long period of time, and he got very tired of it.

Then one day, Will and Elizabeth came and saved him. It was all thoroughly unrealistic, and no one got in trouble for it. Jack was all better in a few weeks, and they lived happily ever after, even thoughJack had been tortured for no apparent reason. He just got over it.

That is, until Will and Elizabeth chained him up in the basement so they could go down there and whip him to get their jollies.

So, they all lived happily ever after anyway, except for Jack, because he was tied up in a basement and whipped and that really wasn't very fun.

THE END


	6. Slash! Jack

Okily dokily, Bad Slash time! I wonder if I'll get as many outraged reviews this time….

Slash! Jack

One day, Jack Sparrow decided to visit his good _friend_ (wink wink nudge nudge) Will Turner. They had often defied the British Navy by meeting with each other multiple times since their big adventure, and they had grown very fond of each other. If you know what I meeeean.

So Jack walked down the main street of Port Royal, and was not noticed or anything, since all of the members of the British Navy posted at Port Royal had apparently gone on extended vacations to make it easier to write the story and not have them barge in and do their jobs, i.e. capturing idiot pirates walking down the street like Jack was.

He came to the door of the blacksmith's shop, and stepped inside. He blinked a few times to adjust his eyes to the darkness, and smiled when he saw Will.

"Jack!" cried Will, overjoyed at seeing his friend after so long. Jack was not at all perturbed by this, even though he had only been gone two days. Indeed, he felt much the same way that Will did. Elizabeth was nowhere in sight, since she would just have gotten in the way.

"How are you?" inquired Will, laying his tools down to walk over and talk to Jack.

"I'm fine," smiled Jack. "How are you?"

"Quite well," replied Will. Ironically, he collapsed the next second, deathly ill.

"Oh dear," said Jack, disturbed by this new development. He lifted Will up, and took him down to the dock, rather than to a doctor or anything, for after all, it's no fun if the nursing back to health is done by a medical professional.

Will awoke in Jack's cabin, his eyelids fluttering open dramatically. Jack sat sleeping in a chair beside the bed, and Will could tell that he had been up watching over him like any good stereotypical romance figure. Will tried to sit up, but was too weak.

Jack awoke at the little sound, despite the carousing being done on the deck of the ship. He had very selective hearing. He could sleep through the sound of drunken pirates having a big, drunken party, but the sound of a future slashy love interest waking up woke him up too.

"Don't move," said Jack tenderly. "You're very sick."

"Does Elizabeth know?" whimpered Will pitifully.

"I'm sorry Will," sighed Jack, his soulful brown eyes directed at the floor. "Elizabeth died in a sewing accident yesterday. The embroidery she was working on to cheer you up when you woke up exploded when she tried to put in the red. All that was left of her was her pincushion."

Both men sat in silence, tears streaming down their cheeks for the conveniently dead girl.

"I'm so alone, Jack!" sobbed Will.

"I'm here with you," murmured Jack, grasping the blacksmith's hand. They gazed into each other's eyes, and Will felt that he was seeing into twin pools of love and remorse. At least, he would have, if Jack's eyes were pools and Will was prone to soppy metaphor.As it was, Will really just felt that Jack's eyes looked kind of brown, and had wrinkles around the edges from squinting at the sea on sunny days.

Both of them suddenly felt a strange attraction to each other that neither could account for, and that was not entirely unwelcome for some sick, unnatural reason. However, they both let go of each other's hand and looked away, embarrassed. Jack, switching the subject to try to hide what he had felt, briskly went about getting Will some soup and making lame excuses about how he needed to go "drive" the Black Pearl so that all those drunken pirates didn't do something silly, like running over a porpoise or something.

Will, for his part, quietly accepted all this, unwilling to let Jack know that he had felt unwholesome feelings about him. Both parted company feeling disappointed, but relieved.

Jack was very unhappy, however, when he arrived on deck to see his drunken pirate crew sobbing drunkenly over the squished corpse of the porpoise they had run over.

Over the next few weeks, Jack slowly nursed Will back to health, neglecting all his real duties to do so. The moments they shared became more than a few minutes of friends talking. Each one began to secretly look forward to when Jack would come in every five minutes blathering on about how he had forgotten something in his cabin, or how Will needed to eat more soup or he'd surely drop dead. Surprisingly, all it took to heal Will was an alarming amount of soup, which Jack either cooked or obtained by magic. It was never really explained which, but Will was grateful all the same.

One day, when Will was feeling much better, they both finally snapped. Jack had come in to say that he felt Will should have more blankets. Will, who was already under a mountain of blankets, knew better, and argued against this increase in stifling hot blankets. Jack was adamant, but somehow it ceased to be a discussion about blankets, and became a steamy sex scene, in which both of them were severely violated, but neither seemed to mind.

That was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Or a horribly disgusting one, you pick. Jack ruled the ship as captain, with Will, his first mate at his side. They became the most feared pirate duo in all the Caribbean, and they made hot piratelove every night.

...Which is just plain gross and creepy.


	7. Plothole! Jack

Arr, I be updating! What a shock!

OoOoOoOoO

Plothole! Jack

OoOoOoOoO

Jack grimaced as he surveyed his adversaries. Ten of the zombie pirates remained, and they were encircling him. He and his crew had fought hard to save the small island town.. Several of his crewmembers were dead, but they had killed many more zombie pirates. Jack was alone now, since all his crew had gone back to the Pearl already, leaving him to defend himself.

Jack shot one of the zombie pirates in the forehead, displaying considerable accuracy. It was lucky for him that his single-shot pistol was somehow loaded, since he'd used it just a minute ago. The zombie pirate went down, moaning in a zombie-like fashion. Jack whirled around, decapitating another with his cutlass. A third charged at him, and he stabbed it through the heart with his sword, before chopping half the head off another faster than he should have been able to even just pull the sword out. He downed his last adversary with another shot from his pistol, and wiped his brow, tired.

He dashed back to the Pearl, and climbed onboard from the dock, careful not to fall in the four-foot-deep water and have to climb back up. Within seconds, they were zooming out across the bay. Unfortunately, the remaining zombie pirates were quickly pursuing aboard their own ship, though all the zombie pirates had supposedly been killed. Jack screamed out an order, and the Black Pearl turned on a dime, neatly moving out of the way of the other ship. The zombie pirates crashed into a large rock that was apparently there, and sank. The Black Pearl sailed out, unharmed.

OoOoOoOoO

After this little adventure, the likes of which he seemed to see often, Jack decided to head to India for a change of scenery. They worked hard, and arrived within five days.

Jack, while browsing through a market, was spotted by two agents of the East India Trading Company. Despite the fact that he could easily take on multiple zombie pirates, Jack was no match for them, and was soon captured. John John was waiting for him, and seemed quite pleased that he had captured Jack again.

They immediately took all of Jack's things and shut him away in a stone cell so that he could be tortured at John John's leisure. John John went home and had his evening meal with his lovely family, gloating over how deprived Jack would be of tea in the coming weeks.

Sadly for John John, Jack escaped that very night, just after lights out. He got away through the tunnel he had dug that afternoon. He swam to the Pearl, anchored as she was only one hundred yards away from the East India Trading Company's dungeon, and was hauled aboard.

Anamaria, however, had sad news for Jack. It seemed that the crew had received a note while he was gone, declaring that a certain William Turner had been taken into custody in Port Royal and was to be hanged the following morning. Jack immediately demanded that they make haste and rescue dear William, and so they sailed through the night, arriving at Port Royal just as the sun rose above the sea.

Jack and his crew went ashore and hurried to where Elizabeth was waiting and told her that he had a clever plan to save Will. She immediately agreed, having known all along that Jack would come and put a stop to the madness.

Just as Will was being led onto the gallows, Jack leapt out from his hiding place in the wide, open fort, and singlehandedly fought off his executioners. Wave after wave of redcoats attacked them, but Jack and Will prevailed, using the plan of action they had worked out in detail that morning. They escaped from the fort and ran to the blacksmith shop.

There, Jack performed the rites of marriage for Will and Elizabeth. Since he had escaped, Will was no longer in any trouble at all, and Jack was able to go back to the Back pearl, where his crew was waiting.

The End

OoOoOoOoO

Sorry I haven't been keeping up and about the lack of review responses, but I'm tired of recieving blatent threats from the moderators.


	8. Sued! Jack part 1

New note: The Sues are back! Run for your lives!

Old stuff:

It's the moment you've all been waiting for! This chapter is the very first of the Mary Sue Jacks. Yes, you read right: it's just the first, more are coming!

I'm so nervous....

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

Sued! Jack (part 1)

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

Jack swayed and wobbled his way through Tortuga, fresh from yet another piratey adventure in the Caribbean. He stopped at the doorway of The Faithful Bride, looked concerned, lurched backwards a few feet to inspect the sign, then grinned and nodded to himself.

Timmi Platinum was a tough pirate girl, so tough and piratey that no one had ever thought to ask where the hell she got a name like Timmi Platinum, or why she had long white hair and ridiculously detailed clothing and jewelry. She, like all tough pirate girls, was a captain despite being somewhere around her early twenties, and seemed to spend most of her time lounging around in various taverns and opium dens waiting for mangy lunatic pirate men to show up and fall in love with her.

Jack walked in and tripped over a stool. Timmi decided to herself that he looked sufficiently mangy and like a lunatic, so she smiled at him over her drink and caught his eye.

Jack, delighted to find a girl so early in the evening, came over and sat down across the rickety little table from her.

"'Ello, love," said Jack, sounding like a very bad impression of a British accent, "Fancy a drink?"

Timmi's drink had, by this time, mysteriously disappeared, leaving the story open for Jack to buy her a new one.

"Why, yes," she breathed, her frighteningly long and luxurious eyelashes fluttering as she blinked her amber eyes. Jack grinned again and went to get some booze for to get her drunk.

When he came back, Timmi was lounging across several chairs in an attempt to look sexy. All she really did was hurt herself on the armrests and look rather silly, but she kept it up anyway.

"Say," said Jack, thinking of something. "I never did catch your name."

"My name is Platinum," she answered, breathing funny to try to make her boobs look really big. "Captain Timmi Platinum. I'm strong and independent."

"All right," said Jack, confused and a bit put off by her strange name and stranger statement.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"I'm CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow," replied Jack, overemphasizing the Captain part like he always did in this sort of story.

Timmi stretched a bit, partly to better show off her body, and partly to keep from getting bruises from the awkwardly-shaped chairs.

"I have an idea," said Jack, somehow actually turned on by this. "How about we forget the drinks and join forces?" He waggled his eyebrows suggestively at her, and she blushed and giggled like any self-respecting tough pirate girl.

She got up then, and slipped her arm through his. They stepped out into the street, ready for a night on the town.

"Hello, Jack," said Litheran Emerald seductively, slinking out of the shadows. "I've heard so much about you."

"Who are you?" wondered Jack, looking at this new girl. She reminded him of Timmi, in that she too wore disturbingly detailed clothing and had hair and eyes of unlikely colors.

"Why, I am Litheran Emerald, the bounty hunter," she almost seemed to purr, stepping very close to him. Jack wondered how and why a bounty hunter would go around on Tortuga with a bunch of pirates who should, by all rights, hate her. He also wondered why she was standing so very close to him.

Litheran fully intended to capture Jack then, so that she may fall in love with him at her convenience while carting him across the ocean in her ship. She might have succeeded, had not Timmi spoken up.

"Get away from him," growled Timmi. "I got here first."

Jack looked back and forth between the two, debating which outcome would be best for him. He rather favored the one in which he went off with Timmi and had a good night, but he was no longer entirely sure that it would work out that way.

"Hello," murmured another over-described girl, sidling up to Jack's side. "My name is Hadria Starshine. I'm a somehow aloof and dignified whore."

The pimpilicious side ofJack was beginning to think that his night might actually work out rather well.

"No!" screamed yet another girl. "He's mine! I called him!"

Mackenzie the crazed tough pirate girl captain bore down on the group.

Jack watched as the four girls began to squabble over him. He really wasn't very sure as to how he should feel about this, but he was beginning to feel a bit worried. Who were all these girls who suddenly wanted to fall in love with him? Why did they have such impossible names?

It turned out that none of that really mattered, as the girls began to truly fight. Jack observed with dismay as they punched and kicked, bit and slammed heads, and generally committed acts of violence against each other.

Soon only Timmi was left conscious, and she staggered to her feet in front of Jack. Jack peered at her, concerned.

Timmi toppled over in a faint, a delayed reaction from having her head bashed against the ground forty-two times.

Jack grimaced, realizing that all the girls were out for the night and that he was unwilling to put in the effort to have sex anyway.

Figuring that he might as well get some gain out of the night, Jack moved his crew out early and stole all their boats, since all of them except the hooker had been captains and were lacking a crew because they hadn't really felt the need for them.

And so, he became Commodore Jack Sparrow, and had lots of ships.

As for the Mary Sues, the author would like to advise all the pretty young girls out there that it is not a good idea to pass out in an alleyway in Tortuga. Obviously, they were all raped multiple times, but hey, those are the breaks.

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp


	9. Three Jacks

Doo doo doo, an update! Updates are goooood! When was the last time I even did this?

Oh well. Just read it if you want, don't if you don't. The power is YOURS!

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

Scholarly! Jack

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

Jack sat in his posh apartment, smoking his hookah and reading classic literature through his monocle. He tugged at his styled mustache, and then looked up.

"Oh my," said Jack. "All of you readers seem to have caught me at a bad time. You see, I have been working for months to come up with a way to make myself interesting, but you came in before I could succeed. Well, allow me to introduce myself. I am Scholarly! Jack, who has the advantage of being able to read and do arithmetic, but who really isn't entirely realistic or entertaining. That's really all there is to it."

And so, he took up his reading again, puffed on his hookah a bit, and generally ignored the readers.

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

Unsanitary! Jack

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

Jack grinned at the mirror in his cabin, revealing his crooked yellow teeth. The mirror cracked in complaint, and he frowned, running his stained hand through his greasy hair. Small animals skittered over and around his fingers, and flakes of dirt fell to the floor. Jack shrugged, and went out on deck.

"Happy morning, crew!" yelled Jack cheerfully. Said crew edged cautiously away from his overpowering stench, emanating as it was from his clothes, which he had not taken off in over four weeks. Jack looked around at them, scratched himself thoughtfully, and belched.

The rest of that day went mostly as the days before it had, with Jack wandering about the ship giving orders and his crew carefully avoiding him. Today, however, the pirate named Gayle Menlove had a plan.

When Jack came near to where Gayle was swabbing the deck next to the railing, Gayle held his breath and, rather than backing away like any sensible person, tripped Jack up with his broom and watched him topple over the side of the ship.

A cheer went up from the grateful crew, even as Jack struggled to the surface, filth literally coming off of him and into the water in waves. They waited until Jack was sufficiently clean before hauling him back up, and had a feast that night to celebrate Gayle's accomplishments.

Unbeknownst to them, the sheer volume of filth Jack had released into the water killed every sea creature within thirty miles and wiped out an entire species of highly inefficient penguins.

Oh well.

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

Jargon! Jack

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

"Arr, me mateys!" said Jack one fine day aboard the Pearl.

"...Yes?" replied Anamaria, who had been standing next to him for half an hour and wondering why he hadn't said anything before.

"Shiver me timbers," commented Jack. "Hoist the sails!"

"The sails are already hoisted, Jack," objected Gibbs. "We really can't hoist them any more."

"Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!" yelled Jack.

"You've probably already had more than enough rum, Jack," pointed out Gibbs.

"Dead men tell no tales," muttered Jack.

"Is that a threat?!" asked Gibbs, shocked.

"Scuuuuuurvy!" agreed Jack amicably. "X marks the spot!"

"Now, Jack, that's really not funny," reprimanded Anamaria. "You know Gibbs is very sensitive about having fallen for that Captain Crunch treasure map."

"Bilge rats," grinned Jack after a moment of hesitation.

"That's enough of that," decided Anamaria, and she shoved him off the ship.

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp

qpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqp


	10. AU! Jack

Woot, back!

Anyway, since it's been so long since an update (or has it? I lose track of time) I'm giving you two chapters. "Bull!" you say "there's only one new chapter!"

And if this was the only place I have to put things, you would be correct. But I promise you, there IS another chapter going up at the same time as this. If you'll be so kind as to click on over to my bio and take the link leading to my LiveJournal story account, you'll find it waiting for you there.

And, surprisingly, there is actually a reason for this. You see, the chapter going up over there is none other than You! Jack. Romances written in the second person are sometimes considered interactive, you see, and we can't have that, oh no. Were I a normal writer, it'd be overlooked, but there are apparently some people out for my blood.

So, without further ado, I leave you to the "new" chapters.

SCENE DIVIDER!

AU! Jack

Jack Sparrow was a teenagekid with ratty hair, half of which had formed into pseudo-dreadlocks from him not having washed it in about half a year. He had dropped out of high school and run away from home and was now spending his time walking across the entire country for lack of anything better to do.

One of the disadvantages to walking across the entire country that Jack had not foreseen was that it was sometimes very difficult to find a toilet he could use. This was one of those times, and he was beginning to feel more and more desperate as he trudged along the road. He stopped at the first place he saw that he knew would have a bathroom, and stepped inside.

Inside of Port Royal High School (Gasp! Can you guess what's happening? It's not like it's obvious!) itwas nice and cool, and Jack was happy about that.

He turned right and headed down the hallway, trying to appear as if he belonged and knew where he was going. It worked, despite the fact that it was the middle of a class period and the fact that most students didn't wear bandannas or have long filthy hair that stuck up in the back.

This may have been because the only security guard on duty was one with a nametag that read "James Norrington," and no one likes Norrington, so he's always written to be a total git and was therefore incapable of not being stupid.

Anyways, Jack found the bathroom. Then he relieved himself. Then he left the bathroom.

By that time, Jack was feeling reluctant to go back outside and start walking again. So he didn't.

Instead, he attempted to rob a vending machine.

Things were going well, too...at least for a while.

Jack had chosen a vending machine he had found in one of the hallways, partly because it was hidden, but mostly because it contained things like packaged muffins and Twinkies, and he liked muffins and Twinkies.

He had just managed to jam his arm up inside the vending machine past the part that was supposed to prevent people from jamming their arms up the inside of the vending machine when the bell rang.

Cursing, Jack snatched the nearest item to his hand and tried to yank his arm back out. To his dismay, his hand would not fit back through while he was holding the muffin he had snatched. He yanked harder, but succeeded only in bruising his hand and squishing his muffin. Students began to walk by and give him strange looks (mostly because of the puddle of grease his hair was forming on the floor with each jerk of his arm).

Then Norrington showed up on cue so that it could be shown what a pompous jerk the author must have thought he was.

"Hey!" shouted Norrington, pointing at Jack. "What do you think you're doing!"

Jack let go of the muffin and pulled his arm out. The muffin fell out through the slot, since all he had really needed to do was drop it and remove his hand to make room for it. He snatched the muffin, jumped to his feet, and dashed off down the hall, leaving Norrington behind because the author hated Norrington very much and had made him so morbidlyobese he could not keep up.

Jack was pretty close to getting away with the grave crimes of trespassing on school property and stealing a muffin, but then he ran into Will.

And I do mean ran into him in the literal sense, since that's how the main characters meet in the majority of AUs.

So Jack ran into Will, and Will went "oof," and Jack went "oof," and they both fell down.

Will felt mad, and Jack felt hungry, so Jack just jumped up again and started to run some more.

This might have worked, had not Will been a resentful person and grabbed Jack's ankle and made him fall down again.

"Oof," said Jack again. Then he kicked Will in the face and got up again.

By this time Norrington had finally caught up, and proceeded to handcuff Jack, which is kind of strange since he was only a school security guard.

Jack told him so.

"What do you know?" demanded Norrington. Jack shrugged, since he really didn't know much at all, what with having dropped out of school and destroyed a goodly chunk of his brain with illegal substances.

So Norrington took him to the main office.

There, Jack got yelled at while he ate his squished muffin.

So he spat some of it onto the face of the principal, who was the one yelling at him.

That didn't go over very well.

Once the school officials realized that Jack was not a student, they called the police, and the police took Jack away and locked him up for stealing the muffin. He offered to return it, but they declined, seeing as he had already eaten it. They slapped him when he offered to regurgitate it.

So Jack was in jail. Boohoo.

Will felt sort of bad about that and said so to his childhood friend, Elizabeth. Elizabeth didn't really care very much and wished to herself that Will would stop being such a pansy and ask her out.

But he didn't.

Jack got out a few days later, since it's really not very fun to write about the main character sitting in a jail cell and staring at the wall, which is all Jack would do.

But they put him in a foster home since he was still a minor. Jack would have just left, but his foster parents locked him in the house most of the time and whenever he went outside, they followed him around with tranquilizer guns.

So he didn't get to run off.

Not that he didn't try.

Upon waking up for the third time from being shot with the tranquilizer guns, Jack concluded that his foster parents had very good aim.

So that night, he broke his window and lowered himself to the ground with a rope he had made out of human hair...from his back.

Actually, he made it from the sheets on his bed. Close enough.

Unfortunately, this set off an alarm and they came and shot him with the tranquilizer guns again.

Jack felt that this was all very mean spirited, especially when they sent him to school the next day. He skipped all his classes, and robbed the vending machine again.

Then a gang went and kidnapped Elizabeth, since the author had suddenly remembered that this was supposed to at least try to follow the movie a little bit. This caused Will to go and talk to Jack, who was locked in the detention box in the janitor's closet with all the half-evolved badgers.

Will felt that Jack was likely to know about the habits of gang members. Jack didn't contradict Will, even though he had just come into town and knew nothing about any of the gangs. Will let Jack out of the detention box, and Jack did a little happy dance. Then they went off to look for Elizabeth.

Shortly after kidnapping Elizabeth, the gang realized that they really didn't care enough to really kidnap her, and ditched her at a strip mall. Jack found her there, using his amazing powers of walking around in random directions until he found something. Will was overjoyed, and invited Jack back to his house for tea. Jack declined, realizing that this was a good opportunity to leave...plus tea was SO 17th century.

So Jack left, and Will and Elizabeth went home, and Will finally asked her out.

THE END

SCENE DIVIDER!

SCENE DIVIDER!


	11. Sued! Jack part 2

Woot, an update. There are other chapters I'd rather put up, but I might as well just post another Sue and be done with it.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Sued! Jack (part 2)

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Kylynn straightened her baggy white shirt and standard brown pants. She reflected that it was lucky for her that she was a mercenary, as she found skirts to be a pointless hassle, as do all strong, independent girls who sail the seven seas. She was a mercenary, and the captain of the mercenary ship Black Rose, so named because of her flair for sickeningly cliche poetic names.

She surveyed her crew as they were toiling at bringing the ship into port. Today she was after a special bounty, a man many had tried and failed to catch for years.

Today she was after Jack Sparrow.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

(Not because we really need to switch over to him now, but more because it seems sort of dramatic)

Jack was alone in Tortuga, his crew off getting drunk. No doubt they would not notice if he went missing until several days had passed. Jack always went off alone on shore leave, the better to run into odd people and start wacky adventures.

Kylynn, too, was alone in Tortuga, because she always went out bounty hunting by herself. The crew was really only to operate her ship, since exciting captures just aren't quite as exciting when one is not taking huge unnecessary risks.

She sat in the back of the tavern named The Green Dragon. She would have gone to The Faithful Bride, but the author had felt that the characters should go to a different tavern for once, and hadn't had the creativity to make up a new name for one. She just hoped that no one would catch the plagiarism.

Jack swaggered in, since it's always more dramatic if the female mercenary is waiting for him instead of following him like she would in real life.

But if this was real life, we wouldn't have youthful female mercenaries who have their own ships, now would we? I mean, honestly, how did she do it?

Well, anyways, Jack swaggered in and saw her. Being Jack as he is in a mercenary Sue, he didn't even pause to think about the fact that she was wearing pants and armed to the teeth and sat down next to her with a silly grin on his face.

She fluttered her eyes at him, he made what would have passed for witty remarks on a children's television show, and they both had some drinks.

While Jack was gazing off at the wall and not paying attention (the better to be tricked and captured), Kylynn put some drugs in his drink. She then proposed a toast, and Jack cooperated with her plan by downing the contents of his mug. The odd taste puzzled him for a moment, until he realized that he had been drugged. Rather than actually do something about it (like, say, kill the woman who had done it or throw up to get it out of his system) Jack just thought some melancholy thoughts to himself about it until he passed out.

Once Jack succumbed to the effects of the tranquilizers, Kylynn dragged him out into the street and tied him up. She then proceeded to carry him back to her ship single-handedly, despite the fact that he weighed at least twice as much as her. She took him aboard the Black Rose, and locked him up in the brig. They set sail immediately.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

The next morning, Jack was quite surprised at his surroundings, despite having figured it all out the night before while he was waiting for the drugs to knock him out. By all rights, he thought, he should be waking up next to a whore, not tied up in a leaky brig. It was just as well, though, that he was, since he had a hunch that the captain of this ship would be an attractive young girl with an odd name and a tough attitude. He wasn't so keen on the attitude bit, but he supposed that he would have to make due.

Kylynn came down then to see him, and informed him that he was now her prisoner. Jack, being the sort of Jack that appears in mercenary Sues, allowed her to abuse him and was generally submissive.

This satisfied Kylynn, who went back up to perform her duties as captain.

Jack and Kylynn conversed regularly after that, on their way to wherever it was that they were going. It really doesn't matter, since obviously she will fall in love with him and never turn him in, and they will be pirates together and he will never leave her. Am I right or am I right?

Their stiff, unnatural dialogue began to contain traces of an amateur attempt at sexual tension, and they snapped pointlessly at each other less and less. Jack soon learned that Kylynn had been the daughter of a wealthy man and grown up in polite society, but had rejected her place among the elite and somehow become a mercenary captain. Kylynn learned that she could walk all over Jack and throw him against walls and he wouldn't retaliate because of her sheer tomboyishness and tough attitude.

Kylynn rather liked this.

Jack liked Kylynn, too, even though she beat him up all the time and said emasculating things to him.

This continued until the author could think of nothing to do with it and stopped posting chapters. The incomplete fic sat in the recesses of forever incomplete.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Wow, not a single line of actual dialogue! My teachers in elementary school used to scold me for that all the time, but I guess I failed to learn from it.


	12. InnacurateSpamfic! Jack

Wow, an update! And yes, it does look like they'll be getting more regular! After this, I still have three of the old chapters, and then I have two new ones I wrote in February! Huzzah! I'll try my hardest to keep them coming, but my beta reader is having severe computer problems and there are big delays in editing.

I LIKE TRAINS!

I LIKE TRAINS!

Inaccurate/SpamFic! Jack

I LIKE TRAINS!

In the year 1500, Captain Jack Sparrow sat in a tavern named The Faithful Bride. This tavern was on the island of Tortuga, off the coast of Mexico, which had recently become a country. He was fresh from his exploits with his friends from Port Royal, a friendly trading town on the coast of Florida dominated by the vicious Spanish navy. He had briefly considered going east to Jamaica, but had decided that for the time being, it would be best to give his loyal crew a rest and scrape the clams off the bottom of his beloved corsair, the Black pearl.

After knocking back a few rounds of vodka, Jack wandered out of the tavern and into the street. Before he left, he tipped the serving wench with a gold nugget and a slap on the ass, as was the custom of the time. He wandered into uptown Tortuga, the home of many rich and famous fishermen, including King Henry the Eighth and Julius Caesar. He sauntered into the house of James Norrington, and they had a rousing round of charades. After Norrington guessed correctly that Jack was doing an impression of a starving Eskimo, Jack left in utter defeat and went to go collect the Pearl and his crew.

Along the way, he met Elizabeth, daughter of the mayor of Port Royal, Gilligan Swann. She asked him out on a date, and he felt that he could not refuse, and they went to the nearest restaurant for fine cuisine, which happened to be the tavern The Faithful Bride. They both ate many plates of delicious gyros. Jack thought that he and Elizabeth would become an item for sure and be gossiped about all up and down Wall Street, but then Paparazzi popped out at them from behind a building corner and snapped a black and white photo of them together. Elizabeth was not willing to deal with the scandal that would ensue this early in the relationship, and dumped Jack for Enrique, a cook at the tavern, and a known rapist and murderer.

Depressed by his loss, Jack swore to go on a quest to find the lost treasure of the great pirate Long John Silver, who, according to legend, had hid it in his left boot, which had been nicked at his hanging. It was reported that the perpetrator had been a greasy old drunken blacksmith who had used his steam-powered omni-tongs to pluck it off of Silver's foot as he kicked at the air. Nobody noticed because his assistant had released crazy purple knockout gas. The two of them had stayed conscious by wearing old surplus gas masks from World War 1.

The greasy old drunken blacksmith had then cleverly hidden the treasure-laden boot up the rear of a donkey.

Haha, the ass of an ass. It's funny because it's lame and recycled.

Anyway, Jack set out to recover the Lost Left Shoe and restore Democracy to nearby Australia. He waded through a stream to get to Singapore and retrieve his crewmembers, who were enjoying their shore leave with the help of many women who sputtered and rolled around on the ground because their corsets were too damn tight.

They set off in the Pearl, which was a now sparkling clean galleon, covered in various mosaics of Roman gods playing croquet. They sailed east and west across the Indian Ocean searching for Alaska, where they were sure to find the lost treasure. They finally ran aground on some docks. Jack was greatly disappointed in his crew, since he recognized the place they were at. It was none other than sunny Port Royal, Florida!

Jack figured that he might as well poke around while his crew was putting the ship on hydraulic jacks so that they could see what damage had been done to the mast. He wandered up the main street, which was lined with vendors selling beads and priceless pirate gold. None of them had what Jack was looking for, so he went to the nearest tavern, the Drunken Clam, and sat around listening to tales from infamous pirates while he nursed his martini.

Jack soon tired of this because no one was talking about his many adventures with Sir Francis Drake, when they had fought together against the Chinese in the great Chinese Pirate Wars. France had sponsored them to defeat the Asians, and they had done a very good job of it.

So Jack went to go see Will, who was in the blacksmith place using what looked suspiciously like omni-tongs to shoe a donkey with an alarmingly stretched out sphincter.

"So you have the treasure of Long John Silver!" cried Jack upon seeing this sight.

"Eh what?" asked Will, caught off guard.

"Donkey. Sphincter. Omni-tongs. Long John Silver's corpse hanging from a rope out front, missing its left shoe" explained Jack helpfully.

"Ah," said Will. "Yes. I have the lost treasure here, but you shall never hold it and call upon its power!"

"Crap," replied Jack.

"For you see," continued Will, "I am not really William Turner."

"No?" wondered Jack. "Then how come you know how to be a blacksmith, and do blacksmithy things, like building a chair?"

"I don't," replied Will. "It's all an illusion! Mind over matter, eh wot? People come in here expecting to see swords, so they see swords. In reality, these are all only sticks I found in the dump."

"And what about this donkey?" asked Jack. "Is it really a donkey?"

"Yes," replied Will. "What the hell do you think this is?"

"So who are you, really?" inquired Jack.

"I am really..." Will threw off his disguise, a parrot unfolding itself and standing on his shoulder, "Long John Silver himself!"

"Then who helped with the crazy purple knockout gas, and whose skeleton is that outside?" demanded Jack.

"The skeleton is actually a goat," replied Will.

"That would explain the hooves," admitted Jack. "And the helper?"

"That was me!" exclaimed Mr. Brown, stepping out of the shadows. "For I am really Elizabeth!"

"No you're not!" objected Jack.

"Yes I am!" cried Brown, throwing off his disguise and revealing the fact that he really was Elizabeth. However, he/she kind of grabbed the Elizabeth clothes along with the disguise and had to dive back into the shadows when she realized she was naked.

"Then who the hell is the Elizabeth I've been hanging out with?" blurted Jack.

"It was I!" shouted Elizabeth, yanking off her Elizabeth disguise to reveal...Elizabeth. Unfortunately, she made the same mistake as the first time, so it was back to the shadows for her.

"Jack, you've been living a lie!" screeched the parrot on Long John's shoulder. "For I am really...Captain Jack Sparrow!"

It whipped off its parrot mask and revealed itself to truly be Jack Sparrow. Long John Silver collapsed under the weight of the other man standing on his shoulder.

"Wha...?" cried Jack. "Then who the hell am I!"

"Well, it's obvious, you nitwit!" snapped Jack Sparrow. "You're Charlie Chaplin, of course!"

Charlie Chaplin's Jack Sparrow disguise fell away, revealing the little tramp. He looked down at himself, accepted the situation with a little shrug, and sauntered off into the sunset, twirling his little cane.

Poor little guy, he can never get a break.

I LIKE TRAINS!

I LIKE TRAINS!

I hope that this chapter wasn't as painful to read as it was to write. If you know anything about history, pirates, or really pretty much anything, it probably was. I hope you'll all forgive me for this chapter. I've been really busy and I needed to buy some time on this parody, so I just sat down and wrote this garbage. MysticButtCrystal helped, though.


	13. Cursed! Jack

Dooooooo! I forgot to post up a chapter last week!

So…this week the new chapter is actually new to make up for it. Oh yes, and it's twice as long as I usually write these. MysticButtCrystal is the reason for the big crossover-y tangent(s) at the end.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Cursed! Jack

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Jack led his crew into the cave. They were on Welljeez Island,which they had reached by following the mysterious map Jack now held in his hand. They were seeking the infamous treasure of El Serpiente Amarillo. It was said to be cursed, but Jack pushed on anyway, since he didn't really care.

Funny, that, since he had first-hand experience with curses.

He came at last to a great stone chest, which he gleefully pushed open and reached inside of. He pulled out a magnificent golden necklace, and held it up to look at it in the light of his torch.

The necklace promptly turned into a small yellow snake and bit him.

"OW!" shouted Jack, throwing it onto the ground. It quickly slithered away, despite his attempts to smash it with the heel of his boot. "Stupid forking treasure! Gibbs, get that treasure before it escapes!"

Gibbs promptly shot the little yellow snake, which, upon dying, turned back into gold. Jack picked it up gingerly and examined it. He frowned to himself a bit, but then brightened up. After all, there had to be someone out there somewhere who would pay good money for a little gold statue of a snake with its head blown off. The entrails around its former neck were, after all, quite life-like.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Three hours later, Jack was hoping to himself that whoever it was who would show interest in such bizarre booty would want five hundred snake statues depicting a similar condition of health and vitality.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

A rap came at the door, and Will set down the sword he was working on to go answer it. He wiped his hands on his pants as he went up to the door and opened it.

"Is this the carpenter shop?" inquired a rather dull man holding some papers.

"No, sorry, this is the blacksmith shop," replied Will. "You want the place that doesn't have a sign saying there's a blacksmith inside."

"Oh," said the man, and Will shut the door in his face, quite rudely. This was unfortunate, as, unbeknownst to Will, the man had really been his rich long lost brother, who had just been a trifle confused about the exact occupation of the relative he was seeking. Will's brother went on to befriend the carpenter, and lived out the rest of his days thinking he was related to him and giving him large sums of money.

"Now where was I…" murmured Will, returning to his work. To his dismay, he saw that he had left the sword he had been making onthe forge, and that it was now melted nearly in two.

"Oh, crap!" commented Will, clutching at his hair. He grabbed his tongs and pulled the pieces out, hoping that it wasn't as bad as it looked. To his dismay, they fell apart at the slightest touch.

Will knew that the man who had ordered this sword would be coming by that very afternoon to pick it up. So, he did the only sensible thing he could in the present situation.

He heated the edges and banged the sword back into one piece. Unless you really looked hard, you could hardly tell it had ever been broken. Will grinned, knowing that he could pass it off, since his customer was unlikely to use it as a real sword and break it.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Why, thank you for doing such a fine job on this sword," smiled Will's customer, the local witch doctor. "I'm sure it will serve me well."

"Yes, it is very well made," lied Will. (shifty eyes, shifty eyes)

"It's a good thing, too," replied the witch doctor. "Because long ago, I set it up so that anyone who sold me shoddy equipment was automatically cursed with the inability to say the third letter in every word."

Will's eye twitched.

"So all in all, it's a damn good thing that this is a good sword," concluded the witch doctor, and he left.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Jack stepped into the small blacksmith shop after dark. Recently, he had decided to pay his old friends a visit, and now was as good a time as ever. He found Will slumped against the wall, staring into space.

"Hello, Will," greeted Jack. Will turned his head and stared balefully at him.

"I'v ben cused," stated Will.

"…What?" asked Jack.

"Th wich dotor cused me, Jak," replied Will.

"Ohh, you're cursed!" said Jack, figuring it out. "What did you do?"

"I sod hi a shddy swrd," frowned Will.

"That was very stupid of you, Will," scolded Jack.

"Wht am I gong to do?" wailed Will.

"Oh, it's not all that bad," consoled Jack.

"No al tht ba!" choked Will. "Jak, I'm cused!"

"Yeah, yeah," replied Jack dismissively. "I've got twenty curses, and you don't see me whining about it, do you?"

"Twnty!" Will's eyes bulged.

"Heh, yeah," grinned Jack. He sneezed, and his foot turned into a blueberry pie. "See?"

Will stared with wide eyes as Jack scooped a handful out of the pie that had previously been his own foot and that was still attached to his ankle.

"Oh, don't worry," scoffed Jack. "It grows back. This is actually a pretty good one."

Jack blew a raspberry, and his foot went back to normal.

"An yo're al riht wih ths sot of thng!" gasped Will.

"It's not really much of a problem," shrugged Jack. "And besides, I paid a guy to do that one to me. Damn useful if you get stranded somewhere, or want to impress the ladies."

Will poked him, to verify his existence.

"Hey, don't po—" protested Jack, turning into a salamander, which promptly ran around in a circle three times and turned back into Jack. "—ke me!"

Will twitched.

"Anyway," continued Jack, "You'll get used to it. Just watch your words. Oh, and can I stay here tonight? I need a place to hide out for a while…the Dahaka's on my tail again."

"Daaka?" asked Will, befuddled.

"Yeah, he's pissed about this thing I stole in India," replied Jack. "This is one of those legendary things that everyone steals, you see. 'What was the harm?' I thought. Hey guys, bring it in."

Several of Jack's crewmembers lugged in a large, ornate hourglass filled with what looked like glitter, and unceremoniously propped it up against the wall in front of Will's coat pegs. Will quickly snatched his coat off its peg before losing access to them…possibly forever.

"Wh ar yo brnging it in hee!" yelled Will rather worriedly.

"Because the crew won't have it on the ship anymore," explained Jack.

"It's bad luck," stated Gibbs.

Will shrugged and hung his coat on one of the more protrusive ornamentations of the hourglass. "Wh do't yo jut thow it ino th ocan?"

"Well, future adventurers sure wouldn't think kindly of me if I did that, now would they?" countered Jack. "Besides this whole Golden Age of Piracy thing seems to be in its decline, so securing a legacy is pretty important right now. Now, don't you worry about this one bit. I'm sure that within a few days or so, someone'll be along to steal it from you, and then it'll never be our problem again. I need you to put this sign out front."

Jack handed Will a crudely scrawled sign which read "Heerin be the leggendairy resting plase of the Sands o' Thyme." Will grimaced at Jack's spelling for a moment but complied.

"And Will," said Jack, handing Will a dagger, "don't stick this pointy thing in that hourglass. If you do, you're in for some of the most irritating hours of your life. There'll be sand monsters everywhere, and Sand Gibbs somehow managed to smell worse than the normal one."

Will shook his head in bewilderment. Jack was just glad to be rid of the thing before he got retooled and put into a dark and edgy sequel.

"RAAAAAHR!" commented the Dahaka as it smashed through the front door. Jack snatched the dagger away from Will and pressed a button on it, causing time to reverse for about eight seconds. He then…or previously…or something…dunked his head into Will's cooling trough just in time for the Dahaka's entrance.

"RAAAAAHR!" commented the Dahaka once more, oblivious to its own repetition. It stopped and stared at Jack, before saying in a defeated sort of voice, "again?"

"Yeah, you just missed him again!" smirked Jack, who was now a girl. "…teehee!"

Jack struck a pose that could sort of be considered sexy as the Dahaka left, shoulders slumped.

"Great, just great," mumbled Gibbs. "You know that now we have to find hot water before leaving, right? It's bad luck to have a woman on board a ship."

"I wasn't so unlucky during all those storms, was I?" asked Jack. "Idiot," he mumbled under his breath.

"Yes, you were," objected Gibbs. "I lost my hat."

"That's because you threw it into the air to 'ward off evil'…in a STORM," snapped Jack testily.

"Hello!" said Elizabeth, coming in.

"Hello!" replied Jack.

"Would you like to come to teeeeeeeeeeea?" asked Elizabeth.

"I didn't know you were fond of tea," interjected Jack.

"I'm not," said Elizabeth. "But I'm British, and British people have to have tea every day. It's mandatory."

"Ah," said Jack, now educated.

And so, they all went to have tea with Elizabeth, primarily because neither author had any other idea of how to end this rambling chapter that didn't involve Gibbs molesting Jack lots and lots (which MysticButtCrystal was all in favor of).

THE END.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

oOoOoOoOoOoOo


	14. Sued! Jack part 3

Wow, I actually remembered to update this week! Isn't that just a huge surprise to all of you? It's a good thing I was wandering around the internet alone and bored and suddenly remembered my promise to myself to update every week.

Here it is, the last of the Sues. I've got…ahh…three more chapters after this, including one that's really new, and hopefully I'll have written more by the time those run out. Chances are pretty good on that, since I just started Spring Break this afternoon. We can all hope, right? Anyway, I'm going to put an effort in to get lots of writing done this week.

And here is the original chapter, most author notes intact:

I know, I said no more Sues. Well, I also said that there was one more on my computer, so you're getting it this week. I have nothing else to update with, so here you are.

PEOPLE LIKE SCENE DIVIDERS!

PEOPLE LIKE SCENE DIVIDERS!

Sued!Jack (part 3)

PEOPLE LIKE SCENE DIVIDERS!

Anastassia was a fairly normal girl. She had long blonde hair and sparkling sapphire eyes. She was a freshman in high school, and had a friend named Leandra, who wasn't important enough to warrant a description. Apparently their parents were just stoned all the time and thought those would be good names.

Anyway, Anastassia didn't like to be called Anastassia because of the crummy movie about Anastasia. So she had worked hard at creating a nickname for years, and had everyone calling her Storm, including her stoned parents.

Anyways, one day, Storm's stoned mother, Patricia, told her that they were going on vacation. Storm threw a big fit, since she didn't want to be without her best friend Leandra. They had a disturbingly close and obsessive relationship, and hated to be separated for more than a day.

Then Patricia told Storm that they were bringing Leandra with them on vacation.

Leandra's parents must have been stupid or something. Storm's parents are so stoned all the time that they'd probably let Leandra jump off a cliff right in front of them.

So they all got on a plane to the Caribbean—Storm, Leandra, Patricia, and Storm's stoned father, Hubert.

Then it crashed. Patricia and Hubert were killed, but that doesn't really matter since no one liked them anyway.

Everything went black for Storm and Leandra—it always does, you know.

PEOPLE LIKE SCENE DIVIDERS!

Jack walked along the street in Port Royal He visited there a lot, since the entire British Navy was not enough to stop him from going to one of their ports and wandering around. He liked it there, and often visited for no reason at all other than to wander around and hope to bump into someone and start a quest. The Black pearl was currently anchored in the harbor next to the Dauntless, but no one seemed to care, including his astonishingly obedient crew.

He looked ahead of himself, and saw two young, unreasonably pretty girls sitting on the dock. They were wearing very strange clothing, but Jack didn't really notice that, since he had selective perception and saw only the good in every girl he ever met.

Jack's eyes were riveted on the girl with blonde hair. He hardly even gave the other a glance as he stared at her.

Not that it would have mattered. Leandra was never described, so she was really just sort of bland and unmemorable.

"Where are we?" wondered Storm.

"I don't know," replied Leandra. "Somewhere in the Caribbean, I guess...but everyone's wearing weird clothes."

"Well, we might as well get up," decided Storm. So they stood up.

By this time, Jack was within five feet of them, since he had just been staring at Storm the entire time and was too preoccupied to realize that he was still walking.

"Oh, hel—" Storm started, turning to face him, but cutting off mid-word. "Oh my gosh! It's Johnny Depp!"

"What?" Jack was baffled, but not turned off or given a desire to leave.

"Ohhhh," Storm seemed to come to a conclusion. "Is this Port Royal?"

"...Yes," replied Jack, wondering for a second why she would not know where she was, but then forgetting about that as he realized again how good she looked. In his world, people not knowing very obvious things was a regular occurrence, and he had long since accepted it as normal.

"And you're Jack Sparrow?"

"I am," smiled Jack, not wondering in the slightest how she knew his name. She was just so breathtaking that he didn't care in the slightest about anything weird she might say.

Storm turned to Leandra.

"Leandra," started Storm, "I think we're in Pirates of the Caribbean!"

"Really?" Leandra looked skeptical for a moment, but then accepted it as fact. "Okay."

"Want to come work on my ship?" asked Jack, as he would for any girl he had just met.

"We would be delighted!" smiled Storm.

"That's wonderful," grinned Jack. "Do you know anything about sailing?"

"No," admitted Storm. Jack was only slightly disappointed.

"That's all right," consoled Jack. "I can take time out of my duties to teach you everything."

"Oh, would you?" exclaimed Storm. "That would be great!"

And so, Storm went to work on the Pearl and get taught stuff by Jack, who really did his best to teach her all he knew. He never got even the tiniest bit impatient with her, no matter how slowly she learned or how much she screwed up, and he always found time to spend with her, even if it meant shirking his duties to the crew and the Pearl.

Leandra went along too, but since she was just along as a background character, she wound up swabbing the deck and getting molested by Gibbs instead of learning piratey skills from Jack with Storm. Storm didn't really seem to even notice that Leandra was being left out, despite how close of friends they were, and Leandra didn't resent anyone for it at all.

It all went great until they went to loot another ship a few weeks later. Then Storm went charging over to the other ship with a cutlass in her hand, determined to be heroic and violent. She made it about three feet onto the deck before she was impaled by someone who actually knew what they were doing because they had spent their sword fighting lessons learning to sword fight instead of flirting with their teacher.

Jack called off the attack then, and brought her body back to the Pearl, forsaking several members of his crew and all the money he could have stolen, even though they had been winning.

No one even noticed that Leandra had gone missing. What had happened was that she got lost on the other ship, and the people who owned it weren't exactly the most upstanding people in the world. She was beaten and raped, and then sold into slavery, but her story was never even told, so it's hard to say whether she felt any resentment.

Jack mourned his loss for months after that, and eventually slit his own wrists to end the pain and died. His crew didn't really mind, since he'd been a shitty captain ever since he had fallen in love with that strangely dressed twit. So they just took Jack's body and the body of his lover (which he had saved and...loved), and threw them over to side of the ship.

PEOPLE LIKE SCENE DIVIDERS!

PEOPLE LIKE SCENE DIVIDERS!

Sorry for copping out and killing Jack again, but...yeah. I did kill them all, and there's nothing you can do about it.


	15. Nice! Jack

Hi!

Let it be known that I did fully intend to update this last night, and came on the website to do so, but was prevented by the fact that was in read-only mode. I think they still need to do some work, though, since I had to convert this to an html file before it would upload.

For those who missed my earlier note, You-!Jack can be found at my secondary Livejournal account, which is linked to on my biography page, and which you can also find by going to the Livejournal website and searching for a user named spoofmasterfics.

And now, on with the show.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Nice! Jack

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"What should we do with these people, Jack?" asked Anamaria, gesturing to the sad clump of travelers huddled together in the middle of their own ship, having been defeated. Jack gave her a funny look.

"We take a few things they don't need, and we let them go," said Jack. "You know how I work."

"All right," said Anamaria, taking the small money purse of one of their prisoners.

"Don't do that!" protested Jack, snatching it from her and handing it back to the man. "How do you know he isn't poor? He could really need that money!"

"Jack, we're pirates," sighed Anamaria. "Don't you remember? 'Take what you can, give nothing back'?"

"Well, yes," Jack seemed puzzled for a moment. "But we should be nice pirates. You know, good people."

"But pirates really aren't very good people," argued Anamaria. "We steal things. It's what we do. It's called piracy."

"Then let's invent something new," suggested Jack. "It's called 'moral piracy.' You take only what you absolutely need, and you never hurt anyone."

"I don't think the crew will go for that, but if you insist, I will try,' sighed Anamaria.

Jack called his crew back after they had taken some rope and some food, and they watched the Spanish ship sail off, still laden down with innumerable jewels and pieces of gold. Jack smiled and sighed contentedly, satisfied that he had done the right thing. He was absolutely oblivious to the muttering of his crew, and felt that perhaps this was the dawn of a new age of piracy, one with good sturdy morals. That evening, he had his customary glass of warm milk, and went off to bed early.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

The next morning, Jack came out on deck, whistling a cheerful tune, and was quite surprised to see that the ship was anchored just offshore of a tropical island, and that many of his crewmembers were leering at him unpleasantly. Anamaria and Gibbs were nowhere to be seen.

The leering crewmembers surrounded Jack then, and demanded that he throw down his sword. Jack immediately did so, wondering why he had a sword in the first place, since using a weapon against people was such an awful thing to do. They took it then, and threw him off the side of the ship.

Jack came up sputtering and gasping for air, only to see his ship leaving without him. They had not even given him a pistol, knowing that he would never use it and it would just be a waste.

Anamaria and Gibbs stared sadly down at him from the Pearl, having come out now that the dirty work was done. They had not particularly wanted to maroon Jack, but the crew had had good reason, and they were outnumbered.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Jack spent the next few days foraging on the island, which was a large one. He left the wild pigs he found alone, and subsisted entirely on semi-edible plants, such as the moss he found on the rocks. Mmmm, moss.

Jack was overjoyed when a ship arrived, and immediately tried to barter for passage. The crew refused his offers of semi-edible plants and dirt, but took him on anyway because they thought he had gone mad and felt rather sorry for him.

This may have been because the island was really a peninsula, and he could have walked to a nearby town at any time.

Anyway, they were headed for that town, so they picked Jack up and took him along.

On the way, Jack considered trying to chase after his ship and become a pirate again, but he found that he really didn't feel like it, since it was so hard to be moral about it. So, he made other plans.

Upon reaching civilization, Jack thanked his rescuers most sincerely, and went on his way. He started a cookie shop, and lived out the rest of his days happily, baking and selling cookies.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Wow, a Jack with a happy ending. Who'd've thunk it?

See you next week!


	16. Psychotic! Jack

Oooo…another week gone by. Somehow it catches me by surprise again and again. Sorry I didn't update last week, but I forgot, plain and simple, and when I remembered, I realized that I only had two more chapters I could even post up anyway. So this is the second to last, and I'm sorry to say there probably won't be an update next week unless I write.

Disclaimer: A woodchuck would not chuck this if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Psychotic! Jack

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Eat more peas!" cried Jack, swinging about in the Pearl's rigging. "Always remember that!"

His crew paid him no attention, used by now to his insane ramblings and inane actions.

Jack chewed on one of the ropes, foaming at the mouth.

"I'm sick and tired of being bossed around by a lunatic!" announced a malcontent pirate of the type likely to grumble about being bossed around bya lunatic. He threw down the mop and pail he was swabbing the deck with in frustration. "Is anyone with me?"

"I doubt it," replied Gibbs, leaning back and watching as Jack tried and failed to claw his way up one of the sails.

"And why not?" demanded the grumbly pirate, who shall be called Hoff from now on. "I mean, when can a man as crazy as that possibly provide quality leadership?"

"When he's crazy like Jack," smiled Gibbs proudly, glad to be able to deliver his clever line.

"I thought the phrase was 'daft like Jack,'" objected Anamaria, who had come up behind them. High above their heads, Jack launched into a long and pointless tirade about how smelly porters are in sign language, signing the word "wiggle" after each noun.

"Nah, I think crazy is more fitting," muttered Hoff, watching Jack.

Jack finished his speech, bowed to his imaginary audience of chipmunks and Nazis, and fell to the deck. Anamaria reached down to help him up.

"Don't let them contaminate my precious bodily fluids!" screamed Jack, scrambling away from her and staring at her hand as if it looked to him like a giant scorpion with glowing purple eyes and a large syringe on its tail, ready to strike at him and fluoridate his blood.

This may have been because that is exactly what it looked like to him.

"GAH!" yelled Jack, jumping to his feet amazingly quickly and dashing away.

"Don't you think he'd be better off in a hospital?" asked Hoff, staring at the retreating back of his captain.

"No!" cried Anamaria. "Humane treatment of the mentally ill won't begin for hundreds of years yet! We can't let the readers think that there were decent insane asylums in the 1700's!"

"Heh?" asked Hoff, as the fourth wall was heard crashing down nearby.

"Never mind," said Anamaria quickly. "He's just better off here than anywhere else."

"Oh," replied Hoff, disappointed. "But how can you be sure he won't hurt himself?"

"That's a risk we just have to take," decided Anamaria firmly. She glanced around at Gibbs, wondering why he hadn't said anything for a while, and discovered that he had long since left and drunk himself into a stupor in the corner.

Jack came running back, holding two large dead fish in his hands.

"They're both named Steven," he explained, smiling. "One with a V, one with a PH." He grinned, and handed them both to Hoff, who looked very disconcerted.

"What use is he?" asked Hoff, once Jack had run off once more. "I mean, is he really a very good captain?"

"Captain?" giggled Anamaria, taking the fish from Hoff and setting them down on the deck. "He's not the captain. He's really more of a mascot."

"Oh," Hoff pondered this for a moment, as Jack came running back and slipped on the fish. The fish made a disturbing squealing noise, and Jack fell on his rear.

"AAAHHH! BLOODTHIRSTY MERMAIDS!" cried Jack, running off again.

"Okay," said Hoff, accepting this. "Sounds good to me."

Anamaria smiled at him, and they both went back to work.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo


	17. Incomprehensible! Jack

Yess…I am updating. And yes, I have started a new chapter. How unusual.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Incomprehensible! Jack

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jack swaggered into the Faithful Bride one evening. He and his crew had just come back from a rousing round of looting ships just for the sake of doing so, and he was ready to live it up a little. His crewmembers had, as usual, scattered to the many other taverns on Tortuga, but Jack chose to stick with the 'Bride.

He seated himself, and waited for the bar maid to come near.

"Allo mees, oow boat brinnin meh som rehm?" he asked reasonably when she did. She quirked an eyebrow at him.

"What was that?" she asked. She had dealt with some strongly accented people before, but this was simply beyond her powers of cognition.

"Oi sayd, Oi wed loik som rehm," repeated Jack, more slowly this time. "Ees som-than rone wif yeer ehs?"

"…Sure…" she said, backing away. Jack furrowed his brow at her, concerned as to whether she was going to bring him a drink. His concern increased when, instead of getting a mug, she scampered on over to another customer.

Jack frowned and stared at his hands. He was beginning to wonder if maybe a little too much emphasis had been placed on his particular speech patterns.

Roarke Caulfield eyed this strange pirate from her table in the corner. She was too far away from him to overhear his conversation with the barmaid, but noticed his moroseness. She gave a little smile of her bright red lips, and stood up, revealing her trousers, billowy white shirt, and other such trappings.

Jack looked up at Roarke's approach, and his spirits lifted a little.

"Allo," he smiled. Sure, he didn't have his rum, but things were starting to look up all the same.

Roarke accepted the greeting without question, figuring that perhaps she just hadn't heard him clearly over the din of the tavern.

"Keh fah a drane?" asked Jack. "'E my aff teh feetsh ah dranes ahseffs fess effnin—fe bahmay sehms a beet bahmay, ehf ye nah wot Oi mehn."

Roarke did not know at all what he meant. She was beginning to side with the barmaid on this one, and tried to edge unobtrusively away from him.

"Way ah ye larkin aa meh loik thah?" inquired Jack, puzzled. All the people he was meeting tonight seemed incapable of understanding him. It was very strange indeed, since he was usually quite easily understood.

Roarke gave an awkward little smile, her line of vision hovering over Jack's left ear. She knew he must be speaking some sort of English, but it was an extremely mangled form, to say the least, one that wouldn't ever arise naturally. She had really stepped in it this time—this guy was obviously some sort of psycho.

So she got up very quickly and ran off.

"Ooooaaaa, dernt," muttered Jack. "Way ees fis appnin tah meh?"

Jack sat all alone at that little table for a few hours more, waiting for something to happen. Various people stopped to have a word with him, but then various people immediately left when they heard his replies.

And so, Jack never got food, drink, a room, or even a Mary Sue. They were all just that very perplexed by his atrocious accent.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


	18. Mean! Jack

I'm alive! Crazy like woa!

I haven't been updating much because I have no extra chapters waiting on my computer, and I've been feeling a bit of a lack of inspiration for Jacks. Hmmm…but there are still more to come. They just might be a while yet.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Mean!Jack

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Kill them all and take everything you find," snarled Jack to his crew. The pirates looked at each other, disbelieving.

The "them" he was referring to were a ship full of sickly orphans on their way to the Caribbean for health reasons, each complete with his or her own endearing tattered rags and sad little eyes. They clearly had little or nothing of use to the pirates.

"But captain—" objected Gibbs.

"But nothing!" snapped Jack. "I issued you an order, and I expect you to carry it through. I'm sure you can handle something as simple as this on your own."

With that, he gave them all a final glare and stomped off to the brig to amuse himself with his customary game of eat-delicious-food-in-front-of-starving-captives.

His crew stood still on the deck, unwilling to begin the slaughter.

"Well," Gibbs said softly after a few moments of silence. "We'd better do a good job of making it look like we've followed his orders."

The crew stirred now, and everyone bustled about, taking as much as they could from the orphans' ship without leaving them helpless. Gibbs instructed the member of the other ship to go below deck and let their ship drift out of control until the Pearl was out of sight. Finally, preparations complete, they cut the second ship adrift, watching as they left it behind, seemingly empty.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Well?" asked Jack upon Gibbs's arrival in his cabin, to which he had retired when the captives ceased to amuse him. "Did you find anything good?"

"No, not really," grumbled Gibbs. "What do you expect? It was a bloody ship full of stereotypical cute orphans! Of course there wasn't anything good on it!"

"Very inconsiderate of them not to bring treasure," pouted Jack. "I'm glad we killed them."

He looked up then and noticed the expression on the face of his first mate.

"You didn't kill them, did you?" hissed Jack.

"Well, no," admitted Gibbs. "It did seem disturbingly harsh to kill them, even if they were living clichés."

"That's for me to decide!" shouted Jack, his hand slamming down on the table he was sitting at and flecks of spittle flying from his mouth. "I ordered you to kill them!"

He was standing now and advancing towards Gibbs, looking very threatening indeed.

Gibbs was saved from further wrath when a cry came from the deck, indicating that their ship was coming into port. Jack glared at Gibbs in much the same manner as a crack monkey could be presumed to glare at its worst enemies, and shoved him aside to get out on deck.

"I'll deal with you later," Jack threatened in a low whisper as he passed Gibbs. Gibbs shuddered, wondering why it was Jack had suddenly become so horrible.

As it turned out, they had arrived at a chunk of land that was fairly nondescript other than the fact that it had a town and a peninsula. Jack was the first to leave for the dock on one of the lifeboats, leaving his crew to take care of the ship. Once on the dock, he proceeded to steal three money purses and to kick a small slave boy into the water.

Grinning to himself at his various triumphs in meanness, Jack swaggered along the largest of the streets leading away from the docks. He whistled a cheery tune as he absent-mindedly scraped his knife along the windows of various shops, making a horrendous noise and leaving scratch marks on the glass. He stopped, though, at what he saw through one open door.

As he peered in to the relatively dim shop, he could have sworn that he was looking into a mirror, if it were not for the somewhat cleaner hair of the man he saw inside. Furrowing his brow in consternation, Jack stepped inside.

"Hi!" grinned Nice!Jack sincerely."How can I help you today? Would you like a free sample? I promise you my cookies are very good."

Mean!Jack snatched the cookie Nice!Jack was holding out to him and gobbled it down rudely.

"Did you like it?" beamed Nice!Jack hopefully.

"No," growled Mean!Jack, spraying crumbs into his counterpart's face. "I hate it. It's horrible. You can't make good cookies at all. Now give me all the rest of the cookies you have."

Nice!Jack's lip quivered at this abuse, but he made a valiant effort to retain control of himself.

"If you hate them so much," trembled Nice!Jack, "then why do you want them?"

"So I can wipe my ass with them!" roared Mean!Jack. He was hardly about to admit that the cookie had actually been absolutely delicious. He was simply not that sort of person. "Now do it or else!"

Nice!Jack broke down and started to cry.

At this point, Mean!Jack proceeded to steal all the cookies that were out on display, jamming them into his various pockets. He also knocked a lot of things over, and spat on the floor for good measure. With a final "harrumph" he turned his back on Nice!Jack and stalkingout onto the street once more.

Unfortunately for him (but very fortunately for the rest of the world) just a few moments before a man had lost control of the horses pulling his cart, and at the moment that Mean!Jack stepped out of the cookie-specific bakery, they came charging down and trampled him to death.

As inane and unfitting as this death was, it really did all contribute to a good cause in the end. After all, death is not always ironic or behavior-specific. That's just how life is.


	19. Writing Under the Influence

Oy…this is just sad. No two ways about it.

Anyway, I decided early on that I would like to do a chapter making fun of those people whose stories are so stupid that it seems they simply must have been under the influence when they wrote it. And, of course, I decided that the best way to do this would be to actually write under the influence and see what happened.

…yeah.

So anyway, I went home over the weekend, and on Saturday night, MBC and I got into some alcohol and I got a bit messed up. Heh, yeah, a biiit. And then, when I was about to go to bed, I spotted my laptop, and, remembering my past desire to write under such a circumstance, I sat down and wrote this chapter. And, since it's been so very long since an update, I figured, 'hey, why not post it?' I've left it just as it was when I finished it in the small hours of the morning, which is why it's so full of typos.

In other news, yes, there is a real chapter in the works. The problem is, though, that while I have a Jack to write about, I have no plot for him to follow. So sad.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Writing Under the Influence

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

"Hullo," said Jack. "I've come to be very merry."

"INDEED?" ASKED WILL. He stared and glared and stared and glared until he was quite sore in the face.

"Indeed," replied Jack. "What else would I be here for?"

At this point, Jack wondered where he actually was, so he asked Will.

"Where am I  
"?" he asked, "where I have come to be so very merry?"

"You are in a prison, Jack," said WILL. "We are in here because we were too very merry and stole too many kegs."

"Ohm," said jack. "That must be why you were staring and glaring at me so much."

"Yes, jack," said Will. "This is not a place where you can be so very merry, so it was silly of you to say that was why you were here."

"I see," said Jack. "But I would still like to be very merry, since I like it."

"I'll bet," grumb;led Will rudely, and he turned his back on Jack.

Jack wondered why he hadn't noticed he was in a prison, since there were a great number of bars and everything. He thought that maybe he was still a bit merry from when he and Will had been very merry, whenever that was.

It's really hard to trype when you're drunk.

It's also hard to keep track of what's going on, sometimes, and a lot easier to sleep than to do other things. So Jack went to sleep. Or maybe he passed out.

Mmm, sleep.

When he woke up, Jack was no longer at all merry, and Will was still not merry, though he hadn't been merry earlier anyway.

"Why are we still ijn here?"? asked Jack. "I thought I was just too merry."

"You were too merry," replied Will. "I don't know why I went along with it, but I was very merr, too."

"Aren't we just repeating outselves?" asked Jack.

"I think we might bne," said Will,m "But it's pretty hard to tell since it's so hard to concentrate. Are you wsure we're not merry anymore? I mean, very merry?"

"How should I know?" asked Jack. "Arent you supposed to be the sober one?"

"Quite possibly," sighed Will, and he styared at the wall due to the absence of a window."

"This is reather silly, " said jack, ":like those KEEP LEFT signs."

"Gah," replied Will. "It is all very silly, and IO would like to attack fsome pedestrians myselfs."

"Whose prison is it?" wondered Jack, suddenly wondering., "  
Di d Nottingtion lock us up?"

"You would think so," said Will, "I but I don't think it was, and I don't think it's Port zRoayl."

"Was it John Jophn?" asked Jakc,"The author likes writing about him. She thinks it's funny."

"I'm snot sure, "said Will. "Buit I think it was someone else. I get the feeling we're in England.

"Whjy ngland?"

"Lots of fanfictions with rooftop chases take place in England, " said Will. "And rooftop chases are just one of those things."

"Did we have a rooftop chase?" ingquired Jack.

"We might have," informed Will;. "We just might have."

Ah," said Jack. "I want some tea now."

"You never want tea," objected Will. "And talk like that will have a revival of the John John chapters."

"Poo." Commented jack, and he really meant it.

Just then, there was an explosion, or at least the author just sort of left in order to sleep. Sleep iks nice.


	20. Liar! Jack

…An update? Is such a thing possible?

Anyhow, I'd like to apologize for the ridiculously long time between updates, which was due in part to me spending four months in Florida, working full time in the middle of the night. Can't say whether there'll be a huge rise in productivity now that I'm home, but there's always hope.

I figure TMOOCFoaCJS (that's just…no. Bad abbreviation. Shame on it) will go on until at least after the release of the final PotC movie, whenever that is, just for the sake of being sure new Jacks don't pop up after I draw it to a close. Can't say that there are likely to be a ton of chapters between now and then, but that's the plan.

I'm not terribly happy with this chapter, but consider it a warm-up for better things to come.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Liar!Jack

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Jack stood on the shore, swaying slightly. John John leered at him from a few feet away, as did roughly ten of the East India Trading Company's fine sailors, each pointing a gun at our dear pirate. They'd caught him wandering the streets of Port Royal just after he'd finished a visit with Will, and were now intent on stopping him from implementing any daring escape plans. John John counted himself lucky that he had stopped at this particular port at this particular time, but wondered what on Earth his nemesis was doing here, of all places.

"What are you doing here, of all places?" asked John John bluntly. "It's a British fort, for crying out loud!"

"No it's not," equivocated Jack. "It's more of a parsonage."

"A _what?_" John John was confused.

"It is lovely to see you again," lied Jack.

"Oh, the feeling is mutual," grinned John John tersely. "Now, are you going to come along quietly or not?"

"I will fight you all to the death," fibbed Jack calmly. Then he proceeded to stand quietly and wait to be handcuffed.

A few of the men approached him cautiously, unsure if he meant what he said, but when it became clear that he didn't, they promptly tied him up, using great deals of excessive force. On the way back to John John's ship, Jack seemed to feel the need to explain himself.

"You see, John John," he started, "I've always loved tea. I prize it about life itself, and I'd trade the Pearl in if only I could be assured that I would be given a lifetime supply of tea in return."

"Speaking of which, where is the Pearl?" asked John John, trying to take advantage of Jack's sudden seeming openness.

"The crew took it to Somalia for repairs half a month ago," said Jack falsely. "Anyway, as I was saying…I wish I could be you, John John, I really do. Since I was but a lad, I've always dreamed of working for the East India Trading Company. Alas, when I was only thirteen years of age, I found myself kidnapped by French barbarians…."

John John tuned him out, sensing a canard. If anything, though, Jack seemed to only gain momentum as, one by one, the sailors began to ignore his ramblings. One man, however, hung on his every word.

"At that point," Jack was saying as they loaded him into the rowboat to head out to the ship proper, "there really weren't many options left to me. So, one morning, I decided to just go for it. I got up out of bed and went to the milliner, and I said, 'Man, you've got a lot of explaining to do. Where am I, and what have you done with my beloved capybara?' Well! I don't need to tell you that he was quite flustered, but he finally gave in and told me that he'd stolen Mr. Squeaky away in the night and traded him to a local coffin dealer in exchange for five pounds of ground ginger. I need not tell you that I was upset! As for where I was, it seems that I had been shipwrecked on an island ruled by tyrannical, croquet-obsessed trolls, and that I was slated to be their next meal. The milliner's wife, however, had taken a shine to me, so she helped me to…."

John John groaned and rubbed his temples. Jeremy was still paying rapt attention to the unbalanced pirate captain, encouraging him whenever he paused for even a moment.

"Throw him in the brig," commanded John John. "We set out for England tomorrow."

"And then they made me their chief," concluded Jack, looking very pleased with himself. "What? England? I'm terribly allergic to islands…though at least England is awesome and not at all creepy."

"Quiet, you!" snapped John John, and Jack was dragged down into the ship and locked up.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

That night, Will snuck on board, having heard from his friends that Jack had been captured. He made it down to the brig, where the lone guard was asleep, and woke Jack up.

"I've come to get you out," he whispered to his friend.

"Eh, I've been having the time of my life down here, Will," responded Jack. "I'd hate to go now. John John's invited me to join his cricket team."

Will stared for a moment before deciding that Jack was either delusional or sarcastic, and got to work on the lock. Within a few minutes, he had the door open, and Jack hurried out despite bleating a protest at being so removed from the company of his new pals. Before they could get back up on deck, though, Will accidentally kicked over a stool. The sound awakened Jeremy, who had requested guard duty in order to be near his new hero.

"Whazzat?" asked the young man blearily.

"Just a little black rain cloud," replied Jack. "No worries."

"Ah," said Jeremy. He looked at Will, who was staring back with wide eyes and wondering if it would be necessary to club the sailor over the head with some blunt object. Jeremy, however, smiled.

"I'd hoped you'd come," he commented, getting up. "Don't know what I'd have done otherwise." He turned to Jack, who stared at him, bemused. "Captain, may I join your crew?"

"Nah," said Jack. "But you can buy me fifteen yellow dresses."

"I'll take that as a yes," nodded Jeremy.

"Wait, what?" asked Will. "Jack, why are you saying things like that?"

"I was raised by armadillos," chirped Jack.

Will shook his head. "What time is it?" he inquired, wishing to test Jack.

"Noon," replied Jack promptly. "We should have some tea soon."

"Geh," stated Will. "Let's just get you back to your ship."

Later, as Will watched Jack and Jeremy row off around the cliffs to where he knew the Pearl was waiting, he almost wished he could have heard some of the things Jeremy had said Jack had told them all.

Almost.


	21. John John

SPOILER ALERT! DO NOT READ THIS BEFORE WATCHING THE SECOND MOVIE! ALL OOC JACKS BEYOND THIS POINT ARE LIKELY TO CONTAIN SPOILERS. DO NOT EVEN READ THE FOLLOWING AUTHORS' NOTE.

I was shocked and amazed when I saw Dead Man's Chest to see my very own John John nancing about onscreen. Though they renamed him Beckett and played down his tea obsession, the man was clearly John John and no other. For this reason, he will continue to be referred to as John John. I made him first, and I can call him what I like.

The idea for this chapter, however, came directly from my brother, MysticButtCrystal (now known as AmazingLarry), who then also provided most of the specifics as well when we co wrote this immediately after first seeing the film.

Though I originally set out to make fun of badficcers using only one main character, it seems appropriate to now branch out to include a broader range of subjects. Rest assured that most OOC Jacks will still be about Jack, and still be about him being OOC, but don't be too surprised if a few more chapters along with lines of this one pop up along the way. There are so many good ideas fore one-shots that don't fit in anywhere else that I just can't pass them up, and it's tidy to just keep them all in one place.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

John John sat in his office and contemplated his own awesomeness. It had been nearly a week since Norrington had come to him with the heart of Davey Jones, and he had spent his time since mostly just gloating. He knew that at some point he was going to have to use the heart for global domination…or something…but for now he was just enjoying being John John.

Meanwhile, his thoughts turned to tea, his favorite subject. It had been all he could do to restrain himself around the governor and his own various minions. He had thoroughly enjoyed offering Will Turner liquor instead of tea, especially when the lad, obviously distraught at getting no tea, had refused the drink entirely. Then, of course, Turner, that treacherous ally of that asinine Captain Jack Sparrow, had been packed off on a difficult journey with no prospect of tea at all.

Yes, that had been a good day to be John John.

That made John John stop and think, though. He hadn't had tea for ten whole minutes! He cast about himself desperately, and quickly found some tealeaves. He paused, however, before dropping them into the teapot. If there was one thing John John loved almost as much as drinking tea, it was finding new teas and new ways to make tea.

The problem was that in his previous ventures, John John had expended nearly all the options available to him within the privacy of his own office. He wasn't about to go running about Port Royal like a madman with a porcelain teapot, lest the general public discover his tea fetish and begin calling him by mean names. He had enough trouble gaining the respect of others without that sort of thing—but what could he do? He had already used everything in his office to make tea at least once, and often much more than that.

There had been stapler tea, drapery tea, powdered wig tea (that one had been rather salty, although the fact that he had made it at least five times since meant that there must be _something_ good about it), ink blotter tea, John John tea (which had been bitter and grainy), and sealing wax tea. In retrospect, that one had been a bad idea. The properties by which sealing wax melted did not suit it at all to being a tea ingredient. John John had concluded that sealing wax was, at best, a necessary evil—but not a fun evil, like being John John.

He'd also made map painter tea, though the map painter seemed put out by it. That was the problem with having a fetish—John John had taken the man for a fellow tea enthusiast, but he had turned out to be just another "normal" person, and appeared to be deeply disturbed by the way John John had grabbed his hand and thrust it into a pot of boiling water.

At least that tea had been tasty. John John frowned to himself briefly., He really did need to send that man a fruit basket or something.

Suddenly, John John realized that he did have something in his office that had not yet been boiled for the purpose of creating a hot beverage. He pulled open his desk drawer and retrieved the small sack that was still pulsating regularly, and tipped its contents out onto his desktop. He stared at the heart for a few long moments, then nodded to himself and got up. The heart was rather large, so he got the big teapot down from the shelf before opening his secret compartment to reveal a secret fireplace, next to which there already rested a secret pot of water. He filled the teapot and swung it over the fire, then tenderly lowered the heart into the boiling water.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Meanwhile, aboard the Flying Dutchman, Davey Jones was playing the organ. Complicated overlapping melodies made their way up to the ever-toiling crew of various ugly, ocean-themed freaks, who would have paused to listen and be impressed if it weren't for the fact that he had played the same damn thing twice a day for the last hundred and thirty years.

However, they did soon look up in confusion when the music was replaced with what sounded like a goat running up and down the keyboard while a monkey jumped around underneath it. This was accompanied by girlish shrieks.

Davey Jones sat at his organ, screaming and writhing as steam shot out of those funny little cheek holes, making an odd, illogical whistling noise.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

John John removed the kettle and opened the top. The heart looked kind of grayish and pruney, but the water was satisfactorily colored. He pulled the heart out with a pair of tongs and returned it to its place in the drawer before pouring himself a cup of tea.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Davey Jones lay slumped across his organ, mist coming off him as one jumbled chord blared out over the ocean.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

John John took one sip of his tea and spat it out. It was possibly the worst tea he had ever had, so he threw it out the window, where it landed on one of the soldiers on watch. Still satisfied at his own adventurous spirit despite what appeared on the surface to be a failure, John John sat back and watched as his wig roiled in the boiling water once more.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Certain situations inspired by the film _From Hell_.


	22. Drunk! Jack

Hiii! Check it out, less than a year between updates. I have one more chapter typed up after this one…I was actually going to post the other first, but for some reason, this one made it into my beta's email and the other didn't, so I'm still waiting for it to come back. The creativity is coming in spurts, but it's coming.

Back when I did Alcoholic!Jack, a lot of people complained that they had wanted a lighthearted, partying Jack, and that me giving them a wreck of a man instead wasn't so hot. I've been meaning to re-address that Jack from the other angle, and so I did, anachronisms and all.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Drunk!Jack

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Jack meandered down the streets of Tortuga, bottle in hand. He grinned at passersby, most of whom glared back with the best of evil pirate glints™ whilst fingering their various daggers and cutlasses in a generally piratey way. The exceptions were, of course, roughly half the whores, who lacked cutlasses and had the sense to keep their daggers hidden, and the pigs, who, sadly enough, had no opposable thumbs with which to hold daggers and cutlasses in any case. Jack felt especially smug when he looked at the pigs.

Jack finished his bottle of rum and swapped it at the first opportunity for the full bottle of a much less attentive pirate before continuing on his merry way. He winked at a whore as he passed, and she frowned back at him. Jack just giggled and took another swig.

By this time, he was quite far from the bay where the Pearl had been stashed, finding his way into a part of the town even he didn't recall having seen before. He didn't particularly mind—in fact, he hardly noticed, so intent was he on finishing this latest bottle and finding more whores at which he could wink in a cheeky manner.

So absorbed was he in these two tasks, in fact, that Jack didn't notice that the building he soon entered was not, in fact, a tavern, but instead bore a mysterious "AA" on its door. He halted once he was inside, blinking in confusion at the rows of anachronistic folding chairs full of pirates, facing an anachronistic podium at which stood a young man in front of an anachronistic poster listing thirty-two steps to sobriety, twenty of which would be discarded in later years for being too hard.

"Hi, my name is Lars," one man was saying as he stood up amongst his many seated peers. "And I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Lars," rumbled the crowd.

Jack stared at the pirates, and then at his bottle of rum. Then, rather than comically taking his apparent hallucination to be founded in his drinking and throwing the bottle away, Jack comically chugged the remains in the hopes that it would either make the people go away or at least stop him from caring. It failed at the former, but succeeded spectacularly at the latter.

Lars finished his teary speech about having had something called a wine cooler the night before as Jack swayed gently with a placid grin spread across his face, wishing vaguely that he had something more to drink. Lars sat down, and the young man at the front of the room turned his attention to Jack.

"Hello, friend," he squeaked in what seemed to be a friendly manner. "What's your name?"

"Tom," said Jack, emitting a high-pitched giggle afterward. "M'name'sh Tom."

"Is there something you'd like to share with us, Tom?" inquired the other gently.

Jack considered this.

"'d like to share a drink," he muttered, "but the rum'sh gone."

"No, I mean something about yourself," sighed the young man. "Like this: My name's Duane, and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Duane," rumbled the assembled pirates. Jack goggled at them.

"Good on you, Duane!" grinned Jack, leaning forward and nearly toppling onto his face. "Nice ta meet ya!"

"No, no," whined Duane. "Tom…you clearly have a problem."

"Yesss…" agreed Jack, eying his disappointingly empty rum bottle.

"So, Tom, why don't you tell us about it, just like I just did?"

Jack nodded and took a deep breath.

"'Ello," he said. "My name'sh Tom, and I've run out of rum."

Duane groaned, and the rest of the pirates looked somewhat uncomfortable. "Tom, I mean the problem that makes it a problem for you that the rum is gone."

"Err…" Jack stared at the other man, perplexed. "The rum's…alwaysh gone?"

"Tom, if you aren't going to admit that you have a problem with alcohol, I suggest you leave," replied Duane testily.

"I tol' you," frowned Jack. "Th' problem'sh that the rum'sh alwaysh gone."

Duane wordlessly stepped out from behind his podium and up the aisle to where Jack was standing. Without so much as a sound, he firmly pushed the famous rum-soaked pirate out the door, where Jack promptly fell over in the gutter. When Duane came back in, a lone pirate went out to join Jack.

"Anyone else?" asked Duane, glaring around at his sober pirate followers. There was a murmuring, then a rumbling, and finally a roar as the crowd surged to its feet and out the door. They were, after all, pirates.

Jack found himself suddenly surrounded by new friends, who helped him up and bore him along as they sped through the streets in search of a tavern. They didn't have to go far, it being Tortuga, and soon the pirates had all crammed themselves into a small place by the name of the Simpering Senile Seagull. After the initial giggling over the name had died down, rounds of drinks were bought. Best of all, they were bought by people other than Jack Sparrow, who simply sat amidst all the pirates who had spent much too much time sober and enjoyed their soon-drunken hospitality.

It wasn't until the small hours of the morning that Jack finally stumbled out of the tavern and made his way back down to the bay, navigating entirely by the tilt of the ground, which he was in no position to judge. Luckily, he tended to drift downhill, so all was well.

Jack failed to make it back to the Pearl that night, but luckily was found by one of his crewmembers later that morning, passed out in a comical position in a donkey pen. They took him back to the ship and stowed him in his quarters, vowing never to let him out of their sight in Tortuga again.


	23. Hopeless! Jack and Jack's Eulogy

Hey, I'm back fully a week after I intended to post this chapter. The good news is that the reason I didn't post it then was because it had room for improvement and I took the extra time to improve it. It still has room for improvement, particularly in the first segment, but I don't want to mess with it anymore. 

As always, I own nothing. 

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo   
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo   
Hopeless!Jack   
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo 

Jack stared at the wall of his cabin. He could sense his death coming on, unstoppably drawing ever nearer like one of those dentist appointments where you just know that the dentist is going to find at least five cavities, and then you have to go have them drilled and everything. Either that, or like a giant squid. 

Jack had long since uncharacteristically given up hope of surviving his current ordeal, jar of dirt notwithstanding. He sighed and moped his way through the days, much to the now continual bemusement of his crew, who saw in Jack the moroseness usually reserved for those who have had their hearts set on a lovely field trip to a zoo only to be rained out at the last minute and forced to remain in the classroom all day and do sums. Or maybe he was just as glum as a miller who has just discovered that he has not been drinking rum, after all, but bubble bath, or a horseman whose cottage cheese cottage has just been eaten by a bear. 

Jack lay back on his rack and stared at the ceiling for a change of pace. He started to cry, fat tears rolling down his cheeks like chubby kids that had been pushed down a mountain. He didn't want to die, but what could he do? A daring attempt to evade his fate was out of the question, of course, and what else was there to do but lay back and accept that he was going to be eaten by the Kraken? 

Jack pulled the blankets up to his chin and sobbed quietly, chocolaty warm sad shining brown eyes squeezed shut with sorrow like a stingy woman's coin purse at the first sign of a hobo. He rolled over onto his side and contemplated his situation further. He held no hope for his chances of outrunning either Davey Jones or the Kraken, and all that business with the chest and key had been a ruse to keep up his crew's morale. He had known all along, deep down, that he was doomed. It was all a lie, like those cereal boxes that say they have awesome prizes inside but are really just full of sugar and a little hunk of plastic. 

When, several weeks later, Jack really did come face to mouth with the monster of the deep, he recalled his earlier thoughts and felt a perverse sort of satisfaction at having been right about everything. As the Kraken brought its mouth down to swallow him whole, Jack felt only a surge of relief, like a suicidal jumper who, having spent hours standing on the roof of a skyscraper, finally leaps. 

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo   
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo   
Eulogy for Jack   
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOo 

Jack was many things   
And now all the deep sings   
Of the myriad deeds he has wrought:   
The rum he has guzzled,   
The whores he has nuzzled—   
And of course, the drunk pirates he fought. 

With his staggering gait   
And his beard in a plait,   
And always that very slurred diction,   
There is no talk now   
Of just why and how   
He was always so OOC in fanfiction. 

When he met his end   
With nary a friend,   
We'd not really thought he'd go under.   
The fangirls all cried   
(Never mind how he lied,   
Or those times when he pillaged and plundered). 

"He was a good man!"   
They say, "Morals be damned!   
And besides, Elizabeth said so.   
Though she was smitten   
With legends unwritten   
She, of all people, should know." 

He died in glory   
(So says the story),   
And forget the bits about running.   
Jack was brave deep down   
'Neath the veneer of a clown--   
And 'sides that, he was only funning. 

Forget his using   
Of friends and abusing   
The trust of that poor, naïve couple!   
Jack deserved to live,   
And if they had to give   
Their own lives, then they should have done double. 

They were both rotten,   
Along with old Cotton,   
To save themselves and not Jack.   
Now they whine and they cry   
Due to Liz's great lie.   
And all must go get him back. 

He was not to blame—   
It's now Liz's shame,   
And Santa will give her all coal.   
Never mind Jack's agreement,   
It was not like he meant   
To really give Davey his soul. 

With his sword in hand,   
Jack took his last stand…   
After, of course, being forced to.   
Cut down in his prime   
(and crusted with grime)   
Jack died covered over in goo. 

So remember Jack,   
The man with the knack   
To ever endanger his crew.   
Despite all his flaws,   
He had our applause—   
The best pirate we ever knew. 


	24. Infatuated! Jack

So I wrote this chapter literally last year, and it's just been sitting on the computer since then. I know for a certainty that the reason I didn't post it before was because I had ideas to improve it, but for the life of me I can't remember now what it was I was going to do. If it comes to me later I'll just have to write it into another chapter.

I do have ideas coming off of the third movie (and by the way, SPOILER WARNING THE SECOND: ANY AND ALL CHAPTERS FROM THIS POINT FORWARD MAY OR MAY NOT CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE TRILOGY), so hopefully I'll be writing more soon. I'm going to end up writing some chapters that take place in the middle of the trilogy (Sparrington!Jack, anyone?), and you'll just have to wait and see what I do about the canon death of John John.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Infatuated!Jack

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

Elizabeth sighed as she looked at the letter. It was written in a hand that might have been called spidery, if one was feeling generous, but which was really more guinea piggy than anything else—comically misshapen and prone to fits of loud whistling. It was signed, as all the others had been, with a blob that she hoped was meant to be a bird, but which was quite possibly something quite a bit naughtier. She frowned at the page's contents, and threw it into the fire. No sense letting Will see it and get worked up about it again.

She tried to put it out of her mind as she went about her business that day, but the letters had been coming more and more frequently, and she honestly didn't know what to do about it. She decided, as she had many times before, to sleep on it and see what she thought in the morning.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

She did not, however, get much rest that night. At what must have been sometime around two in the morning, Elizabeth awoke to the sound of horrific caterwauling outside her bedroom window. After several minutes of attempting to block out the sound with the use of her hands, her pillow, and even her bed warmer, which she quickly regretted both because it had been quite silly of her to think it would work and because she burned her ear rather badly. The last did wake her up from her state of drowsiness, which was fortunate only in that it gave her the energy to get up and do something about the awful sounds coming from the garden.

Elizabeth threw open her window and glared down at the culprit, who grinned unapologetically back up at her as he continued to warble "Hold me now!" despite the fact that the song he was singing wouldn't be written for several hundred years.

"Shut up, Jack!" shouted Elizabeth. Jack, to his credit, shut up.

But only briefly.

"Lo, what light through yonder window breaks!" he crooned. "It is the East, and Elizabeth is the sun!"

"That one's getting old, Jack," groaned Elizabeth. "Stop saying it."

"But Elizabeth!" objected Jack. "I love you! I love you more than anything else in the entire world, and I want you to come sail away with me on my ship!"

"Do you love me more than the Pearl?"

"Yes, my darling!"

"More than the sea?"

"Yes!"

"More than life itself?"

"Oh yes, my beloved, a thousand times yes!"

"What about peanut butter and banana sandwiches?"

Jack stared, dumbfounded, his mouth working silently. Elizabeth smirked. Finally, he found his voice.

"I can learn to love you more than peanut butter and banana sandwiches if it pleases you," he said miserably.

"I told you, Jack, we're through," frowned Elizabeth. "Peanut butter and banana sandwiches or no, I just want you to leave me alone!"

"Didn't you see the present I left you last week?"

"Burning your name into the lawn in ten-foot-tall letters is hardly a present, Jack. And I know you were in my room, then, too!"

Jack looked affronted. "I would never do such a thing! I love you, and I respect you!"

"Then why are three pairs of my undergarments missing?" demanded Elizabeth. Jack looked mildly uncomfortable.

"I was going to give them back," he protested. "You never let me near you!"

"That's because I don't want you near me! I'm going to get a restraining order if this keeps up!"

"But Elizabeth!"

"But nothing!"

She slammed the window shut and went back to bed, fuming. After a few moments, the singing started again.

Jack did not, however, keep Elizabeth up all night. This was due in part to his consideration for his one true love's need to rest, but mostly because of the attack dogs she had sent out shortly after their discussion.


End file.
